10w0d

I thought I was somewhat overdue an update.  Probably left this a bit late today as I'm sure DS will wake up at any second.

Been a long few weeks. The nausea has been quite intense and I've been literally run around in culinary circles with food cravings and aversions.  I managed to escape my last cold without ABs but have had another bout of gastro in between.  I've been exhausted so DS' nap time has been nap time for me.  Total time and motivation for blogging has not totalled anything.

I'm starting to feel better.  The nausea is less dominating, cravings infrequent and aversions calming down.  The aftertaste still lingers but I am beginning to feel like I'm coming out the other side.  I have another ultrasound Monday. I had thought I would have really needed it by now but not so much. My symptoms have been so pronounced that I haven't had much opportunity to lose confidence in what's going on.  I'd happily wait til the nuchal even though they haven't booked me in until 13 weeks.  It is actually funny to think that 12 weeks is only 2 weeks away.

Anyhow, this is my little person from the 7 week ultrasound:

My uterus is still a little retroverted and he had trouble getting a good view abdominal but I have to say this is much clearer than the jelly baby image I got from a transvaginal ultrasound in my last pregnancy!  You can see s/he is curled inward toward the left hand side with little head and body bits.  Looks pretty much like the sluggish pictures for 7 weeks. Perhaps not sluggish, so much as fish like.  Anyway, point being that his/her development is exactly where it should be, more than just how long s/he is!  (Although this one is measuring longer than DS was!)



At 10 weeks, I'm sporting glamorous bloat still. (Excuse the PJs and winter stuff...it's kinda cold in the morning atm).  Things haven't changed all too much in the last couple weeks except that my "belly" grows towards the end of the day where it didn't used to do so before. 

I've got a lot to do over the coming months.  My first major project is to get DS' new room painted with some new curtains and move him in ASAP.  I want him to be totally settled well before the next on arrives. There is a lot that needs to be sold or organised and I'm feeling excited and motivated about doing these things.

So the other thing is that I have to book into two hospitals.  My OB is moving to a new place a couple days after my EDD. He would like my to be his delivery experiment there so I am mentally telling myself the my EDD is actually 2 March.  I'm not sure how much thinking that will make a difference but doesn't hurt to try.  The new place is promising amazing wonderful things and if they deliver, it will be awesome.  I love the old place though.  My experience there was wonderful and I really can't fault the staff.  I was well looked after and I would have no qualms about returning there. I guess time will tell.  I will have to ask about what happens in regard to hospital excesses with the place I don't end up going.  Not keen on spending $250 on somewhere I won't go!

Anyhow, that is the abridged version of the last few weeks.  Probably not going to get a lot of time next week to update but hopefully not too far away again. 

6w0d - Feeling Yucky

Fairly sure I have a sinus infection. My face hurts and I've got a lot of green snot.  Panadol has helped with the pain and I feel a little less digusting but certainly have the fuzzies today.  DS is going through some seperation anxiety thing atm and really giving us grief at nap/bed time.  Last night woke at 3am and took forever to go back down so feeling pretty tired as well.  :-/

Morning sickness is a bit weird and different this time.  I am good when I am eating.  I am ok when I'm hungry.  Every other state between is not so hot.  Mild nausea comes and goes and I have this burning in my stomach which I assume is a bit of reflux.  I've got The After Taste too but it's not as bad as it was in the past yet. 

Been having a fair bit of cramping over the last day or so.  -sigh- and I'll hold there seeing as my darling is awake. Again.

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Ok so didn't get back to this post last night.  LOL.

Seems my body is a lot more active overnight. I wake up and there is cramping and last night I got up cause I thought I was going to vomit.  This morning I woke up and everything STUNK!  DS' formula was revolting, DH's fried eggs were horrible, I swear our house smelled like a pub??!!, nappies were horrendous.  It has eased and so has the nausea but been replaced by heart burn.  Did I mention feeling ordinary? Blergh... 

Just over a week until my first U/S.  Beginning to wonder how I am going to survive work feeling snotty and so tired.  I took my six week belly shot and I've got back fat.  BWaaaaahhhh. No gym til this stupid infection clears up.  I'd normally stubborn it out but I have this little one to think about now... 

Anyway, I'm rambling about nothing.

5w4d - Sick AGAIN

I have a runny nose. It's yucky.  Fortunately, I'm not drowning in snot but it is there and enough to remind me constantly.  So that makes all of our household sick and my third illness in two weeks. 

On the pregnancy front, the girls have been quite sore since yesterday and the morning sickness is creeping in slowly.  Symptoms just make me so happy!  LOL!  Morning sickness is the only time I'm ever really keen to feel sick as it means that all is going well.  They say that you're more likely to have a healthy pregnancy if you get morning sickness.  For me it is the next best thing to have a giant green tick on your belly to alert that everything is well.  Given the latter is impossible, I'll settle for morning sickness instead!

Nothing much further to report but finally had that feeling that things were going to be ok.  Well, at least at the first ultrasound. But that's a start.  1.5 weeks until my first appointment.  Seems like the days are just dragggging along.  This is not really helped by the fact that it is pouring with rain and I'm sick.  More reasons to stay at home rather than be out and about...  Fortunately, next week is looking pretty full  and that is when I'll need to most distraction!

5w0d - Not So Epic Boob Spike

Five weeks... This week feels like it has taken two to pass along.  This whole ovulating late and having a shorter LP means finding out so much sooner which means it takes even longer to get to the good stuff.  I was literally only 3w3d with my first positive even though technically it was four week post LMP.

Anyhow, each day that passes leaves me feeling more confident and less anxious. Symptoms were a lot less pronounced after the gastro but yesterday I started feeling some very definite mild searing pains in my boobs.  I remembered making a post about this with my first pregnancy and likened to feeling like this:

Not quite at that severity yet but definitely there and I have to say it make me feel...happy...and excited. :-)  Last time around I didn't get it until nine weeks, so much earlier this time.  That will either be because my HCG is much higher this time or because my body is in been there done that mode.

I took a bump picture this morning and I have pouch there which looks the same as what I had when I was 12 weeks last time.  I have a feeling I'm a bit bloated so will repeat it if the opportunity presents but there is some definite protrusion which is greatly exacerbated by bloating... then I look like I did at four months! LMAO! 

Made it to the gym this morning after a week of being sick.  Still not 100% but well enough to work out. Had to ditch a few exercises which weren't suitable anymore and I didn't get to work as hard as I like because my hear rate kept sky rocketing but it was a start.  Hopefully by Monday I'll be better and the heart rate will be a bit better controlled.

So, not much else to report really.  On with the waiting game and back to work tomorrow!

4w4d - Pregnancy Immunocompromise

I felt better this morning.  Psychologically.  Less stressed about the pregnancy. No need to pee on a stick or do a cervix check etc.  When I got to this point lass pregnancy the test line was darker than the control. So, I POAS out of curiosity and...

It's definitely started to get darker than the control. In another two days it should be glaring.  :-)

I've spent the day cleaning the house will DS was of at the ILs for the day.  Feeling much nicer with a clean house now. Feeling pretty tired though and unfortunately, I'm on track for a cold.  Cause you know...I have only just woken up today without a mass of diarrhoea to follow.  Last time the recurrent illnesses didn't kick in until the second trimester.  Seems I will be granted this fun earlier this time. 

It doesn't bother me too much TBH except for the fact that I'm back to work tomorrow.  Hard to treat people who most of the time aren't as sick as you are! LOL!  The bigger thing is not being able to smash it with codral and "soldier on".  I wonder just how long I'll be able to stick it out on road.  Fortunately I've got a good bank of sick leave but that won't pay the bills well.

I tried on my skinny work pants and they are tight already.  I've noticed I've got pooch.  My abs have split again quickly so I don't think I'm going to be doing bump jealousy this time around.  Last pregnancy I bloated a lot and put on a lot of weight early which more account for my busting out of skinny pants at 7 weeks and normal work pants at 12 weeks.  Guess we will see what happens!

So. Tired.

4w2d - What It Was Like Last Time

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I WILL enjoy this pregnancy.

I booked in for my seven week scan today.  I have exactly three weeks until I can see what's going on inside and I can hassle my OB for an ultrasound ever time a freak out thereafter.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

Pregnancy paranoia.  It's ridiculous.  I can look at Steph's blog and go "Yep! Everything is sweet there because of ten different reasons" and yet I look at myself and I worry like crazy.  Three more weeks. 

I'm feeling much better tonight.  Only had one lot of diarrhoea this morning and nothing else today and the gurgling belly things have wound down a lot. MIL kept DS with her all day and I've had an extra two opportunities to sleep and just generally rest. 

My pregnancy symptoms seem to be coming back (thank goodness).  A little bit of morning sickness sporadically. Some cramping tonight.  Boobs are just that little bit deeply tender.  Cervix is still closed and weird. No signs of spotting and my pee stick is much darker now.  (Yeah I broke the ban for my own sanity).   I am returning to the belief that it is all actually ok. 

I went back to my old blog...way back to my first posts when I found out I was pregnant.  I was so deliriously happy.  It was unreal. I wasn't quite as informative as I would have liked for the purpose of symptomatic prosperity but I got enough to know that by five days after my first positive, the cramping had eased and was only on and off and largely due to the luteal cysts I had.  Fortunately, that all adds up time wise and like last time, night time seems to be when the cramps turn up.

I got the giggles reading some of the things that I wrote: "It is early days but wow. We did it. His sperm, met my egg, it travelled down and implanted in MY UTERUS and started making HCG."  and "Even with my dodgy phone camera you can see that pink line, clear as day!  I keep looking at it and I am in awe. Those two lines came from MY pee. Unreal!!! That is just amazing and I am so excited!! "

There was a whole lot of paranoia going on in the background there. I was POAS every second day for ages.  FRER, ICs and even OPKs.  This was my collection...minus two digitals and one or two ICs.

The sad part, I still have all of them in a FR test box in my top bedside table drawer....

Gastro

Ugggghhh! Come on! Catch me a break already! Of the 120 plus hours that I've know that I've been pregnant, I've had the luxury of feeling relaxed and excited for less than 48 of them. 

Google, for the record, when you search my blog this post is all about being 4 weeks pregnant with gastro. You know, seeing you suck at providing really good answers when I've looked.  -glare-

So, we went to this BBQ yesterday. I didn't have much to eat because I hadn't brushed up on my pregnancy safe foods but I left feeling disproportionately full. As the evening wore on I felt worse and worse and by the time I got to bed I was virtually sitting upright because I felt so full and sick.  The cold shivers were passing through me and I knew it wasn't good.  Midnight after a lot of rumbling, the diarrhoea started. Not just a little squirty. My butt had transformed into a human faucet. Goodness knows how I haven't died of dehydration from the amount of plain old water that left my body.

Cap it all off DS was waking again and again and again. I wanted to help DH but I felt too sick and was afraid if I tried I'd do an adult #3 all over the place. :-(

Feeling better today and able to retain some water and dry bikkies without feeling pukey.  Of course though, I am freaking out.  As my gastro symptoms were taking off I noticed my boobs were getting less and less sore. My cramping stopped and the morning sick kind of feel was replaced by plain old sick.  Today I've been squeezing my poor boobs like stress balls and they are still barely sore.  I've had a bit of burning and what not on the side I think I implanted on but now not convinced it just isn't my bowel practicing waterworks.  Not much in the way of morning sickness and also afraid the tympanic temp I took this morning wasn't high enough.  The only thing keeping me going is that my OB reckons gastro is going around and it rarely affects pregnancy.  That and my cervix has the distinct, high, swollen feeling that has only ever happened in pregnancy.

I've been banned from POAS or temping and so much tempted to break the ban...

What I'm scared about it that I had some swiss cheese off a platter on Thursday afternoon.  I didn't touch the cold meats but noone I've spoken to had the cheese. Noone else is sick with anything I've eaten from that point forward. But noone else I've spken to had the cheese either. What if it's listeria or salmonella??? 

I remember last time there were days when I'd wake up feeling normal.  I'd give it 24 hours and things were fine again but the timing with this bug/whatever it is has me a little bit stressed. 

I really despite the first few weeks.  It's all about symptom and toilet paper watch.  At least after my first ultrasound I can go in as many times as I darn well want to because the baby will be big enough to be seen.  I suspect this is going to be a long three weeks....

So...what's doing with the rest of you?

4 Weeks 0 Days

We're ok.  It's been a really rough few days.  I forgot just how much pregnancy hormones mess with my ability to think logically and rationally and how much I stress. I have been all over the shop but the result is good.  At 11DPO I had bloods drawn and my HCG came back at 22.  There was concern because of the lighter pee tests (which actually weren't and the one in the PM was definitely dark) and the fact the number was so low.  I was also comparing to DS who I had a HCG of 30...forgetting that was 12DPO.  Anyway, 48 hours later and still experiencing pregnancy symptoms and pretty sure the tests were getting darker (even though not super dark), my OB agreed to do bloods again.  In pretty much exactly 48 hours my HCG more than QUADRUPLED!  90mIU/ml!  Considering DS went to 72mIU/ml, I was beyond stoked.  That jump is HUGE! 

This pregnancy is different to that of DS. I have a lot more symptoms and already have morning sickness.  I'm surprised at just how much my body remembers. Linea nigra is already starting to darken. Pubic symphasis has been painful pretty much since ovulation and getting worse. My abs have started to split again. My guts are shifting around already because when I get gas I get popped in the bladder like I'm having baby kicks again. 

I am having some difficulty relaxing and seem to be gripped by this fair of m/c.  I think it has mostly been because of what's occurred this week but also because my two closest buds from TTC DS went through it.  One of my girls has had two m/cs and the other had one because her retard IVF doctor told her it was ok to discontinue progesterone prior to the 12 weeks mark.  I'm constantly on symptom monitoring.  My current beef is the fact that my boobs are less sore tonight. The are always more sore at night. But not tonight.  Doesn't matter that I'm still cramping and stretching and getting morning sickness. The fact that my boobs aren't as sore worries me.  And why?  Because my tummy has been off today like I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me and of course I'm worried like somehow there has been some instantaneous infection etc. etc. etc.  It's painful being inside my own head.  This is going to be long first trimester if I keep up like this. 

Enough of that anyway. Today by my ovulation date, I'm 4 weeks and 0 days. By that date FF says I'm due 23rd February. Whether I get to that date or not is questionable. I was induced with DS due to obstetric cholestasis and there is a 75% chance that it will return.  Hopefully, if it does, it won't happen until the end like last time...

What else?  Not much. Cervix was very posterior tonight which I am hoping is a good thing. It's been quite high up for the last few days and I've been getting little bits of EWCM mixed in with the creamy stuff. That was another clue I had the couple days before testing.  10DPO I woke up after that dip and "knew" and sure enough temp was up. My chart has NEVER gone back up on 10DPO. Never.  Tested negative on FMU (not surprising) but still knew because when I put my HR monitor on to go to the gym I was running about 10bpm higher than normal.  :-)

Totally rambling.  Will shut up now. Should go get some sleep now that I don't feel like I've consumed a football!

11DPO - Possible M/C

Just a quick one to say that I need to hibernate for a while.  POAS this morning and it took a looong time to come positive and looked lighter but definitely wasn't any darker than yesterday. I had this happen last time too so tried not to worry. Did my first lot of bloods and bHCG came back 22 which is low. This time last pregnancy it was 30.  OB said to wait a few days and POAS again and if still positive we would do more bloods.  :-(  I feel absolutely gutted and want to curl into a ball and die.  Seems even when my body gets it right it can't actually get it right. I'd rather have just moved on to Clomid than get a positive and go through this.  FML and body.

10DPO - Uh..Positive?

Can't write much now...hopefully get on tomorrow while DS is having his nap... Hopefully, this will be darker tomorrow..

9 DPO - The Problem With Emotional Investment

...is the fallout when things don't work.  Despite my previous rage session, I still was holding on to some hope. Rage subsided and disappeared. Temps were reasonable and a little different to previous. I had a few different symptoms to normal too.  I thought maybe?  I should have remembered that my body does like to change my presentation from cycle to cycle.  What I did remember was that all too familiar night time dizzy feeling which was classic at the end of a natural cycle before.  That was what I had last night.  I tossed and turned all night long. I barely slept and despite that my temp was still starting the drop off this morning. I knew it would last night. I just knew. I am always right about these feelings. 

I felt really miserable this morning.  I felt angry at my body. I felt that familiar confusion about how we can do the same thing as everyone else and still somehow not end up pregnant.  I forced myself to go to the gym. I forced myself not to stop and go home several times.  I cam home feeling vaguely better.  I made the decision to leave my DIG (Due In Group) on FB. I felt liberated...for a while. 

I've been internally moping all day.  I know I need to pick myself up and get ready to start my angry pills in another two or three days. But part of me is all like "I don't want to do this anymore. I HATE TTC. I HATE feeling like this. I DON'T WANT to have to go through the stupid timing sex thing AGAIN".  I know I'll get over it and by the time I'm fertile again I'll be all optimistic but right now I'm taking the moment to feel what I feel.

I made the executive decision to go straight for 100mg Clomid.  I know that is naughty.  But DH will be on holidays, regardless of how early I ovulate.  It will make the sex thing easier and more relaxed. I don't want to waste that opportunity on 50mg which made no difference to my cycle last time.  I really, really, don't want to be doing this any longer than I have to.  Thrill of the chase can go take a leap of a tall cliff. LOL.

 

7DPO - PMT Rage

So, the PMT has started already and worse than it has ever been. :-(  Was left over cranky after a discussion with DH last night but then I came home and I could see he was is in a funny mood which resparked my cranky.  It was bothering me that he hadn't changed DS' nappy when I got home from PT. Of course then DS did a big runny poo and it exploded out, into his PJs and through to his sleeping bag (not really a big, same thing though with legs).  That was it. I was gone. Rage. DH was in the shower while I changed DS and in the meantime I am "the zone" furiously wiping poo off DS and concocting threats to never let him mind DS when I'm at work because he's irresponsible blah blah blah. Then the mothers group got cancelled which further irritated things.  (Long story and a boring one for you folks).  It took me quite a while to calm down but at one point I was literally shaking because I felt so intensely angry.

This is the kind of level I've gotten to on Clomid.  I normally get cranky pre-AF but not to the point of feeling like a six year old. LOL.  I feel better now but worry about the next few days if that's the trend...

Had the first hints of that distinct heaviness of an impending AF.  Get the feeling this will be a short LP but I suppose the shorter it is, the quicker we can move on with Clomid. I'm really not feeling terribly keen to go through this too many more times.  :-o

Houston, we have a problem...

Ok, hands up if you can see what the problem is with this:

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I took my temp twice...cause I didn't believe it the first time.  True enough. 36.80 at 4DPO.  It has gone down even further!?  My charts have always been reasonably predictable.  There is a big sink, a rise, a pre-o dip, an o-spike, a further rise..or two, a corpus luteum dip, a rise, a few days of generalised dodgy static followed by a decent back to cover and AF. Today was the day after the corpus luteum dip which is supposed to be a rise. Hello?  Get with the program body!

I've never had two falls this early and never flirting THIS close to coverline.  I'm beginning to wonder if I tried to ovulate and failed. It kind of reminds me of this chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2cc50f This chick has PCOS. I could tell you great stories about her but in the interest of not straying too far from topic, we will just say that she doesn't ovulate and will basically do her darndest to force FF into saying she has even though she clearly has not i.e. no thermal shift....EVER...  She's currently got FF set to OPK/Monitor Detect so that it only pays attention to the positive OPK rather than the fact that her temps pretty well are still all the same.

Anyway, as you can see, she's got a postive OPK followed by a temp spike which tumbled back down hill and returned to baseline.  Body went, I can do it! I can do it!  Yeah! So close now!.....Nope. Too hard.  Abort! Abort!

So...that's a bit like what mine is looking at right now.  It must have realised I had far too much delusional positivity yesterday. ;-)  Of course, I am also trying to make a diagnosis using a retrospective tool here.  I really should follow my own advice. lol.  Guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

3DPO - A Case of The Delusional Fuzzies

I'm in that post-ovulation delusional phase. It happens every cycle.  I ovulate and suddenly I'm all like sunshine and lollypops because I totally CAN get pregnant like this cycle right!?  ZOMG!!1!1!!  This lasts for a couple days before the seeds of doubt creep in... Then at about 7DPO I wake up and I feel it.  I just know. I'm totally not pregnant.  This is followed by the next four days of watching my temps like a hawk hoping that they will miraculously change direction and shoot back up, categorically proving that I am indeed pregnant and my natural instinct was wrong!!!  Even when the spotting starts I cling to the hope that just maybe its implantation and again, the next day it will all be gone and my temp will be back...you know...like those charts you see on FF.  I don't think those charts are real.  That doesn't happen to real people.  LOL.

Anyway, so we are phase one and I'm telling myself that this is the cycle and we are so going to be pregnant.  I'm talking to an egg that may or may not actually even be fertilised and I'm telling it go implant itself nicely.  Clomid?  Yeah who needs that!?  I go and admire my chart...and...I'm not quite feeling the love?  Last cycle I was all stoked because my temps went way up high blah blah.  I remember writing in my delusion phase that I was sure the cycle was going to be so much more healthy.  This cycle my temps have been weird. Abnormally high at ovulation but then not really taking off afterwards.  Admittedly, it is a little early to tell and this morning's corpus luteum dip doesn't help to paint pretty pictures. 

I was going to stop temping after today.  I was going to do that the last two cycle too.  I'm kinda suckered in though... I want to see what happens. Because, as you know already, this is the cycle that I'm pregnant and that being the case I want to see if I get a cool implantation dip or a triphasic chart and be able to record a positive test and turn the little line green.  Then I'll submit it to the gallery so other people can fawn over it and wish it was theirs and somehow contribute to some random statistic that FF will generate about how to conceive. -sigh-

Does anyone else troll the gallery?  I do.  I look at how old the person is and whether they have medical problems and then how long it took them and then when they had sex.  One page of the gallery and I can swing from "That person is 37 and overweight and had sex two days before ovulation and conceived on their second month. Now why can't I just do that?" and then go to "Oh they are 25 and bonked everyday and they only just conceived after their fifth month...maybe I am just being impatient?".  That and the aforementioned impossible charts where you'd swear AF was going to make a show and then out of nowhere the green lines powers up with its little green BFP cross and you see that temp dip was actually an implantation dip at like 12DPO. You know, something that is impossible for me to achieve with an 11 day LP...

Anyway, I think my temps are askew as my hormones have change a bit.  Last night I discovered that my milk has pretty well (finally) dried up.  That and I've been having that weird ligament pubic symphasis type pain I had through through the second half of pregnancy, over the last few days. Not that I'm really expecting it to make a huge difference to the outcome but I guess interesting to note the shift. Hang on. Far too logical.  What I meant was that this has all happened because I'm pregnant and just super sensitive to the miniscule progestrone secretions of an unimplanted cluster of cells.

I could do this all day.  I'll stop now. :-P

Nine or ten days till to the truth is revealed and I get some Clomid loving. :-)

?1DPO

Goodness, I had better be!  I'm not going to ask poor DH again! LMAO!  He's been really awesome and I know he actually really wants this.  We did a little less dancing and more fist pumping to a quick finish IYKIM. Got the job done and then I spent a few more hours staring at the ceiling or sleeping while the goods made their way to the target. 

Temp spiked quite a lot this morning. I did have a disrupted sleep but I didn't have any extra layers on so it should be pretty accurate.  Still getting a little EWCM and cervix still fertile but looking back on charts gone by, it isn't the first time I've had carry on fertile signs.  Should be gone by tomorrow though and hopefully it means that any hang arounders have had every opportunity to get to the egg.

I can't help but have hope.  I'm a sucker that way.  Knowing that I am starting the Clomid soon has put me in a bit of a different head space in that I feel pretty confident it will happen soon. I am allowing myself to become more invested in what is happening and I think about what is ahead with pregnancy.  Pregnancy with DS was really easy and I coped well barring the recurrent cold/flu things.  In a sense I'm excited and looking forward to it but at the same time if it happens too soon then it will be the last and I can't get that back.

I'm a bit of a hypocrit almost because I really don't enjoy the TTC process that much but at the same time there is something about the thrill of the chase! LOL!

I had a moment last night when putting DS to bed... Hard to describe but basically that feeling like there should have been at least one more little body in the house to make completion. There was almost that vision of tackling more than one to the bedroom to get ready for sleepy time.  :-) 

Yeah... I won't lie. I'm now excited about doing this. Ready!

So, I guess we wait and see.  If I ovulated yesterday then AF should be due around 13/14th June.  It would just be so sweet to conceive unassisted... 

CD18 - Ovulating At Last

The frustrating thing about temping is that it really is a retrospective tool.  I really do wish I had a predictable cycle. It would make the whole bedroom timing thing so much easier.  Temp ducked back down this morning but OPK is very negative today with my body doing the full on fertility thing.  Today is the day and I'm kind of over it. LOL.  I've told DH that we need to BD today and that I am absolutely 100% sure I'm ovulating.  I'd like to get the timing perfect seeing I know for sure but we will see how it plays out.  I'm sore and tired from my PT session this morning and DH has a sore back.  I think the enthusiasm factor is a little lacking today...  I think I'm also a bit emotionally worn out.  I've been "fertile" for practically a full week now. Sometimes watching myself ovulate is like being on the brink of orgasm but struggling to get over the line.  I'm sure left unattended it would eventually get to a cycle where it just goes "Bugger it. I give up". 

So...here's to last ditch hope for a natural cycle. :-)

CD 17 - Make Sense Would You!?

Incoming!!!!

Attack from left field!

BAM!

Uggh!  Really? 

So yesterday my OPK was still negative but there was an obvious second line so I figured today it would be positive and then I would ovulate maybe Saturday.  This morning I wake up and my temp is 36.85.  -blink-  That is a post-ovulation temp for me.  70s is the ambiguous zone but 80s is ovulation.  I had a full extra layer on last night because it was cold but I didn't feel all disgustingly hot when I woke up and it never has really made a difference before.  -insert confused face here-

I took an OPK before I went off to the gym this morning and it was as close to positive it gets. Now it looks positive but when I first did it, it was probably just a little negative.  My body feels peak fertility right now but it seems to do that after I've ovulated rather than just before. FF will probably put me as having ovulated today based on the information I'll give it.  I'm wondering if I am seeing the tail end of the LH surge and I ovulated closely afterwards? 

We are covered. We got busy last night and I spent about 1.5 hours on the floor propped up on various heights of cushion so ensure that his swimmers had EVERY opportunity to get to where they needed to be.  I have to admit this morning I was a bit reserved with my cardio too.  Won't be possible tonight but we will try again Saturday to cover our bases. 

I'm not sure I can expect much out of this cycle but I was really hoping for a nice clear count down to Clomid.  Ah well. I guess I can expect AF by Wednesday week after next!

Freeeeeezing cold. Hot shower time!

CD16 - A Plan of Attack

I have been dying to get on here and post but I've been a little bit stuck for time!

I went and saw my OBGYN who I affectionately title The Wonderful Dr. A. After yesterday's appointment, I remember why. After a year of battling idiots trying to get my son's issues diagnosed, it was so nice to feel totally relaxed, have all the right questions asked and come away with a clear management plan. I love this guy. We had a great catch up about everything over the last year and shared stories of sleep deprivation and the emotional fallout from a raising a reflux child. And of course there was a little bit of business in there as well. He just made it so easy!

The short of the long is that I'm starting Clomid next cycle. We will do 50mg the first time and if that doesn't clean up my cycle we will jump back up to 100mg (which is what I was on when we conceived DS). I have mixed emotions. There is always that element of "what if it doesn't work and I get through an entire script of Clomid". But the other element is excited that we are getting real. Sure it is coming about a lot earlier than I had originally planned but I am cool with that. :-)

Now for all you ladies who were hanging out for it, I did ask about the cardio/elevated body temp thing. He said it was fine so long as it wasn't sustained for hours and hours. So, my hour to hour and a half sessions are fine and non-detrimental. Realistically, that is more like 20 minutes most sessions except for kettlebell days which are closer to 50 minutes as the weight component doesn't cause me to spike. I'm glad because I really didn't want to have to kill cardio for a "maybe". At least not over the next two cycles. I've sort of prepared myself for the possibility that it may not work out until we get to the 100mg again.

At the moment I'm CD16 and my temps have broken out of the classic pattern. OPK is still not quite positive yet but should be tomorrow. DH and I are going to try and get busy tonight again. Guess we have to try on the off chance that something does come to fruition!

Funny thing happened today actually... On recommendation I went and took DS to a dude who is a chiropractor and naturopath and just one of these people who are all psychic like. Part way through the consultation he turns to me and basically declares that we will be pregnant with at least one, but possibly two quite imminently. Pretty well didn't hear a word he said after that point. -sigh- I think I want him to be right a little too much... :-o

CD13 - Catching Up

Been a little MIA.  We had the snots, spews and poos run through the household this week and then I had work over the weekend as well.  Not much time to get on and I've missed a few post by my bloggy buds but done my best to catch up on the most recent stuff.

So I can't even remember when I last posted but the run down of things gone by is that AF came in the evening on 11DPO last cycle which technically gives me an 11 day LP...by like six hours.  -insert eye roll here-.  AF was the most painful by far and reminds me of what it was like just before it got really bad with the endo.  It was also extraordinarily light and short...which was also what it was like just before things got really bad with endo.  Anyone else catching the trend here?  I decided that I would ditch the aspirin and just go natural. So we had days and days of this right ovary burning, aching blah blah blah and then on CD10 I had brown stained mucus.  And the more on CD11. On CD12 it was just plain old spotting and by the end of CD12 I actually thought that AF was arriving because there was red blood and the liner I was wearing just wasn't cutting it.  Spotting again this morning and then brown mucus and down to nothing...ignoring the fact that I feel like AF is about to start all day with lower back pain and bloating etc. 

I officially cracked a sad and went to my GP and I now have a referral back to my OBGYN with an appointment set up for Wednesday morning. 

Up until this cycle I've felt pretty good and pretty level headed about things but I'm not quite feeling that way anymore.  I can't say I feel the faith in body, I'm frustrated by all these people around me who seem to be able to have sex once and go BAM UTD and I just have this general sense of "here we go again...".   It's not so much that I'm desperate to be pregnant or having deprived parent syndrome or anything of the sort. Afterall, I've got one gorgeous little man and the older he is before this happens, the easier it will be too.  It's more that we are ready for this to happen and I just want to be on an even playing field to everyone else.  I don't care if it takes a while so long as it has a chance of happening and my body is behaving somewhat normally.  It would be nice to feel like I'm waiting for my turn rather than wasting time. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, had some clear EWCM and cervix is starting to feel more fertile so decided to temp from this morning.  It's at the point which is usually about two days before a postive OPK so we will need to get busy soon I guess.  I have decided that I'm only going to wait until FF confirms my CHs and then ditch temping. My sleep is too disrupted and I find it a little hard watching my body abandon the cause via temping. lol!

Oh! Oh! And I tested the exercise sperm baking theory last week too!  I was fine doing weights.  Came back 36.8 which is 98.24 F.  However, when I jumped on the treadmill and did my interval sprints it came back 38.0 which is 100.4 F i.e. the equivalent of a low grade fever.  I'll ask my OBGYN on Wednesday about the effect when inside the womans body but I may put a hold on the cardio workouts post sex until after ovulation.  You know.. cause a miracle might happen and I might get pregnant. LMAO. 

And that is where I am at... Sorry, bit of a downer post I know.  Hopefully come back with something promising to share after Wednesday!

P.S. -waves at new follower Laura McNeir-  Hi! 

That's Alright. Karma Will Kick Your Ass.

That's what I would say to my body if it were a person.  If my body were a person I would also like to imagine roundhouse kicking it in the head.  See I could only imagine it too because I am not really a violent person and I avoid confrontation. But that's not the only reason. I also haven't been able to roundhouse kick at head height since I had DS.  But that is a minor detail.  I really nasty thigh kick would do the job too.

Right, getting off track a bit.  So if you click on my FF ticker thingy it will take you off to my chart. On my chart you will see that my body decided to jump ship at 9DPO and I've been spotting and cramping ever since.  I was so sure I was going to have such an awesome cycle and that ovulating at the right time was going to be the magic solution.  >>***BAM***<<  Reality check.  Apparently, my body still sucks. 

AF hasn't broken yet.  I'm expecting it any minute.  And of course the fact that it is making me feel vaguely nauseated is really motivating when I have the house to myself and I should actually be cleaning it.  (Someone play a really small violin for me here?)  -sigh- - insert wiping of brow-

So...think I am going to give it another cycle and see what happens.  Suspect I really just need to decide whether I go back to Dr. A. fairly soon and get Clomid going or whether I put TTC on hold until after my fitness comp. 

And you know what, even though I am a tad disappointed in the general sense and quite miffed at my body, I'm ok with this situation because I was prepared for it as a potential possibility.  :-) 

7DPO - The Declaration of Unpregnance

Hahaha! Ok so when we were TTC #1 I remember there was a day sometime during my luteal phase (can't remember whether it was 6 or 8DPO) where I'd wake up and knew categorically that I wasn't pregnant.  I suspect it has a bit to do with progesterone winding down after hitting its peak.  Anyway, today was that day for me.  I woke up and recognised a change in mood and felt that "I'm totally not pregnant" feeling.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden feeling of impatience.  Certainly not as extreme as it used to be but recognisable for sure.  I'm inclined to pack up my thermometer and leave things be for the rest of the cycle.  I'm not feeling all PMT rage like just yet so I think AF is a little way off yet.

Actually been thinking about things...again... and I think I'm gong to give it until the end of the year.  If we haven't succeed in December, I'll go see my OBGYN in January.  It will have been nine months by then.  It is more than the six months he told me and I think it is a reasonable time frame.  It will also give me time to do my fitness comp etc. :-) 

The aspirin is having a cumulative effect and I'm starting to bruise.  A lot. LOL!  Going to stick with it for another month so I know whether it is the thing that impacted ovulation this cycle.  I suspect I may have a cyst though... I've been having this ovulation-ish, achey, stabby type pain on my right hand side for the last two days. Hopefully, nothing of consequence...

So, tapping out of this one and stalking my bloggy girls instead. :-D

4DPO - Unravelling the Mystery of Baked Sperm

So, kinda couldn't help myself. I took an ear thermometer with my to the gym this morning and at the end of the session I measured up.  37.3 it read.  (99.1 for you US folk).  I was all like YAY! This is so good!  Of course, my joy was short lived when I went home and tested the thermometer I used against the expensive one which I forgot in DS's room.  Bah-bow! There was as much as 1.2 degrees difference. Colder.  (That's like 2.2 F for the rest of you).  Fail.  So my temp was technically a low grade fever.  Hummmm....  Of course I'm going to have to repeat this test on Monday to make sure...with the good thermometer.  LMAO!

Otherwise, FF rested on CD15 (as predicted) for ovulation.  Today I had a big dip which will either be the corpus luteum or the fact that I was wearing about three less layers to bed because I felt soooo hot despite the freezing cold.  See what happens in the morning.

I'm feeling really good this cycle.  My hormone balance must be so different having ovulated at the right time. Normally, I'm all so full of hope, then I pop an egg and them I'm all defeatist like instantly.  Right now I feel good.  Optimistic.  Excited to see how this cycle will play out.  I'm full expecting AF to show but I just feel like it is going to be a healthier cycle. :-) 

Oh and now that I've got a few more friends and blogs to read, I've created a blog roll.  I am not quite happy with its position but it will do for the time being!

Plan of Attack

I'm thinking perhaps I was wrong and that I ovulated CD15 instead.  Kinda fits with all my other charts... Just looking at the pattern of ovulation pain etc too.  That being the case we are O-2.  Not good enough IMO.  At least, I don't exactly have a track history of being fertile enough to conceive off that.  I'm also somehwat convinced now that I've baked DH's sperm. LOL!  So, watching my LP and pretty well ruling this cycle out.

So, the plan from here is that I'm not going any cervix checking and only whatever CM is really obvious. After I get my CHs from FF then I will only bother taking my temp if I don't get all sleep distrupted over it.  My test date, if I should make it that far, is 17 May. LOL.  When AF arrives I'm going to shoot off an email to my OBGYN (he's used to me asking stupid stuff like this) and query the baked sperm hypothesis. That way I'll know if I need to ease up around ovulation next time or whether I can really just stay focused. 

I'm a bit curious as to whether I'll ovulate early next cycle or whether that was all about the B6.  I figure, if it happens late again then I'll dose up on B6 after ovulation to AF each time. That's a small trade of for being kinda normal.

My fitness is going really well.  At this stage I've returned to being inclined to wait until after my November comp to try Clomid if we don't make it before hand.

CD15 - Hrrrrmmm

I woke up this morning, whacked the thermometer in and got a pre-ovulation temp back.  Hmmmm I went to myself.  The OPK was definitely negative and my cervix didn't quite feel as fertile as it had yesterday.  I am thinking that I probably ovulated overnight and it hasn't caught up with my temp yet.  I know this is possible because I came to blows with my first FS because I was sure I hadn't because my temp hadn't come up and he was sure I would have had to have... The blood test prove he was right and my temp rose the following day. LOL! (That wasn't exactly the reason I ditched him.  It was more that I was freaking out and he took it as a professional challenge. That and he just wasn't very user friendly outside of actual appointments. My current guy rocks the house!) I had a lot of pain and what not last night. Putting the pieces together it just makes sense.  FF will probably put my ovulation date as today based on temps. I don't think we will get another BD session in so hopefully we are only O-1 if I didn't bake the sperm.  Still trying to do some research about thermoregulation during exercise.... Anyhow, see how it all plays out...  I'm pretty happy. Whether it was yesterday or today, this is the best ovulation I've had ever! Will be interesting to see how my LP goes...

CD14 - Positive OPK!

Wooooooooo!  Okay so yesterday my OPK was still not positive but I was very obviously fertile with some nice EWCM.  (Actually had a lot of it over the previous two days. Really nice consistency. Think the green tea has been doing some good). I didn't feel like I was fully there but didn't want to risk it. We got busy with a little bit of the drink.  DH finished, hips up and crashed. Didn't lose a drop until I woke up at 1am to pee.  Sooo hoping we got some little buggers up there.  Today, my temp was high...more in the post ovulatory range but not quite.  Not sure if it was from the 1am wake up or what but when I got up, I KNEW that I was peaking. Sure enough, blindly, dark, obvious positive that came up as soon as the pee hit the spot.  I'm bloaty and crampy and achy...So it is happening or has happened today. Temp tomorrow should hopefully confirm.  But guess what!? I have NEVER had a positive OPK on CD14!  I'm like a normal person!!  Wow! Wow! Wow!  So now I get to see what my body does with my luteal phase.

I had a bit of a random thought today though.  Sperm are made in the testicles which are kept away from the body so they done overheat. Then they get stuck in the body and hang in the fallopian tubes.  But what if I do what I did this morning and run through a wicked work out.  My body gets HOT.  Have I just killed them all???  I can't seem to get an answer from Google in reference to the female factor.  I know temp doesn't affect implantation cause I was going nuts when I conceived DS. But, we DTD the morning after ovulation... Think next cycle I will try to abstain from the workout and see what happens. 

So I can accept I'm probably not going to get pregnant this time and it will give me a good chance to see what my body is doing. :-)

CD11 - Really!?

Ok so this morning I had this massive wad of EWCM and then I was sitting there feeling all this abdo stuff which is usually only there in the day immediately before ovulation.  I checked my cervix and it is OPEN! W-T-F!?  -blink-  I'm trying not to get excited because I think it pretended to get all fertile early on me before when I was BFing but my whole body feels like it is moving towards ovulation.  I am really, really feeling that I am going to have CD14 or 15 ovulation here.  I did an OPK for good measure and there was a very very barely there faint line which is more than I would normally have for this time. I am amazed.  Was it the course of B6? Is it the aspirin?  Or did pregnancy really cure me?? Totally getting ahead of myself here.  Honestly though, if I start to ovulate like a normal person and end up with a normal luteal phase I am very confident that we can do this without Clomid.  Heck, I will give it the whole 12 months.  I wonder if I should start temping again now?  Maybe I'll wait another day or two. I only need a couple temps for before I ovulate and then a couple after to confirm it.  -grin-  Exciting!

CD9 - Progress report

So we have a few positive things. The first is that it is CD9 and after having a bit of a rusty discharge yesterday, I am spot free today!  Yay!  The next is that I've been feeling awful randy. I was suspect of that until I noted a glob of EWCM. Second yay!  I haven't been starting to pick up fertile signs at CD9 since I was BFing!  Cervix is high (I think), firm and closed but this is a start.  Not going to get too excited yet and I really don't mind if I end up ovulating CD16-18 as that will be perfect for the weekend. But...you know... if I get surprised and pull a CD15 I'll be pretty happy too.

I'm not sure whether it is the B6 flog I did last cycle or the baby aspirin or both.  I've read that B6 lowers prolactin levels which can of course influence ovulation.  I never ovulated CD14, even on Clomid but maybe, minus the prolactin I'm cured post-pregnancy??  LOL ok probably being optimistic but early ovulation could mean good progesterone and good luteal phase.

Alright so the thing with aspirin, apart from thinning the blood and allowing the fertilised egg to implant easier, it also increases blood flow to the ovaries which can improve the strength of ovulation.  I am not bruising like a mad woman so the 100mg is doing ok.  I am taking it at night because I took it in the morning with my usual stuff and end up quite nauseated.  Might be the green tea too. Thought I would empty the bottle seeing it is past its best before date.  Figured it wouldn't hurt my CM.

Anyhow, definitely getting my right ride ovary stabby thing going on so there is movement at the station.  As usual, feeling optimistic...  See how optimistic I feel after ovulation!

I Suck at Impartial

I don't like TTC.  I don't like it one bit.  I was in the gym this morning and feeling pretty good.  I'm making some progress but I wish I was moving faster towards being strong for this comp in November.  Then of course I reflected back to last week and how I was holding some in reserve "just in case".  I say I won't do that and I end up doing it anyway.  I know I shouldn't. I fell pregnant last time while I was smashing myself with protein and supplements and physically flogging my body.  There is no reason but I still get sucked in when I feel crampy or tired.  How am I supposed to function like this when half the month I do this??  Then I start looking at one of the PT's clients.  They are pretty strong. I think to myself that maybe I can use her.  But then I look at my situation and I realise it is ridiculous.  What am I supposed to tell her?  Yeah so I'm using you to try and win a competition set by my other PT and by the way I'm trying to get pregnant at the same time and if that happens then I'll probably have to drop my sessions with you. (Not that I can really afford to feed my PT addiction anyway). 

So I find myself feeling frustrated because I can't see any reason why my substandard body doing the same thing as it did pre-pregnancy should do anything different prior to Clomid.  I just want to get on with things.  If I'm going to sacrifice myself in every regard for another pregnancy and baby for another two years then I just want to get on with it. Why should I have to screw around for six months like this?

Part of me contemplated contacting the great Dr. A. and just outrightly asking to skip to Clomid.  Reality is that he'd probably let me. What's stopping me?  I can't justify not at least giving it a good go ourselves.  If I were on the outside looking in, I would judge me. If I would judge myself I know that it isn't the right thing to do...  So here I am. Trapped again in a life lived two weeks at a time. Well sorta... More like 2.5 and 1.5.. The first part where I am relatively optimistic and flog myself hard and enjoy life and then the second part where I lose all faith and start stalling on the off chance that somehow past history actually changes something.  Why couldn't I just be a superfertile? 

I need to work on that unwavering positivity thing I was yapping on about last post. LOL.

Six months. That's it.  That's all I'm giving it.  Come October I'm getting my little angry pills.

Cycle #2 CD 2 - Game Plans

AF arrived as I had anticipated.  Bit of a slow start and I seem to be bleeding at random times.  It has also been quite painful and I did resort to the ibuprofen/panadol combo at one point.  Thankfully not bad enough to crack open the panadeine forte.  Thank goodness I'm not dealing with this at work!  The nastiness of this cycle has me wondering just how I am going to manage myself hormonally when we are all done with babies... :-/

I seem to change my game plan on a daily basis. However, I have been thinking about our timing.  As it stands I'll be next due to ovulate on a weekend or just after it. This is a good thing.  It means we are most likely to be able to time sex well.  If I take B6 and it drags out my LP by another two days then the next time around will be during the week. Early week is not good because DH is out on Monday nights. That and we start getting closer to a collision with my work. Things will not be good if I have to come home from a 12 or 13 hour work day to try and eat, shower and get laid!  So, I'm thinking I'll ditch the B6 afterall. 

My mind however, has wandered over to low dose aspirin.  There were a lot of factors which could have contributed to success that time e.g. post lap, third clomid cycle, being relaxed etc.  The other thing I thought of was that I was back on my sports supps.  One or more of which I think had White Willow Bark i.e. the natural aspirin.  Of course, I may be wrong about that entirely but even if I am, so what?  Although there is a lot of conflicting information the fact that anti-coag meds are used for IVF and IUI patients says something to me about their importance.  I figure it doesn't hurt to give it a go and then stop it as soon as I get a positive (assuming that happens before we hit Clomid time again).  Who knows...perhaps it will make all the difference.

I was thinking a lot this morning about my situation.  I will never really understand how well timed sex with a good semen sample and apparently normal although less than ideal menstrual cycle doesn't result in pregnancy.  I struggle to see us being able to do this alone but at the same time I don't really know why Clomid would make that much difference either.  Another part of me pipes in about how it is only another five cycles until then if I really want to go down that path straight away.  Another part gives me a lecture about how I should appreciate this TTC time because it will probably be the last. 

I really need to be more positive. LOL. No pun intended there.  I mean that I need to try and believe that this will happen.  I need to visualise the positive test and my blossoming belly.  I need to own my situation.  I want this to happen and I don't want to get all torn up like last time and end up making it all go away.  At the end of the day I am in control of how I choose handle my life and the events within it.  This is no different.  :-)  I've only purchased six months on my FF VIP account.  I think that is a good start!  Now remind me of this when I'm in the TWW and getting all sad!

I think I am also ready to try and engage other people who may be in the same boat. Some blogger types trying for a second or a third or whatever.  As much as I may be sucked in to this, it is different from the first time.  I want to share things with somebody who is where I am at!  Hmmm...may be time to hit the FF forums!

13DPO - Meh

Meh. Meh. Meh.

Another negative.

Acne this afternoon. Cramping all day. Tiny streak of blood in CM tonight.  AF will be here tomorrow.

I can only assume that the B6 and a concoction of other vitamins a started downing on Monday thinking I was getting sick are responsible for my long LP. 

This last three days have felt a bit feral but a 13 day luteal phase is awesome.  So, I am going to adjust the plan.  Elevit and Calcium CD1 to ovulation, adding in B6 200mg, B complex and Men's Multi (yes seriously) from ovulation onward.  I think I was right that the day of B6 prior to ovulation put the brakes on for a day (Google seems to confirm others with similar experience).  Anyway, I'll do that until we start Clomid.  Can you tell how optimistic I'm feeling? :-P

There is reason for this though.  I am starting to struggle a bit with the number of pregnancies popping up around me.  But I got an unexpected announcement yesterday.  I met a couple ladies on a forum. Two of whom I became very close. One has a 3 month only. The other has a bub a day older than mine.  She had PCOS but more specifically LUFS i.e. eggs formed but didn't pop.  She had one m/c but each Clomid round was instant conception. After our bubs were born she fell pg quickly again by accident but m/c.  Last night she text me to say she was pg again.  She's been on the pill one month and been using withdrawal...except for one time.  That was all it took....  My gut says this one will stick.  Of course I feel this one because we were a week apart last pregnancy and this was a "could have been" coincidence.  Again I am reminded that it just isn't that easy for me.  :-(  Did I mention that I remembered my mum had early menopause?  Wonder if the explains my rubbish menstrual cycle...

Right well I just want this AF on so I get on with the next cycle already.

12DPO - What The?!

Yesterday I had mad crazy AF cramps that went all the way through to my lower back. I took Advil to make them go away. I was running to the toilet every ten seconds because I thought it was going to be there and was expecting spotting at a minimum last night. I had serious PMT. I was sure I would wake up to the deluge this morning. 

This morning my temp goes a little bit up. I get some cramps but for the most part they are gone. I have no trace of spotting. Ummm....  So I took a IC test and it was negative. Of course this curve ball would happen. I didn't think of option three where I'd have DS's shots this afternoon with neither AF or a BFP.

I'm going to take an FR test this afternoon.  Not that I expect it to be positive.  But clutching at straws here.  I don't really feel PG but I can't explain this.  I can't explain that amount of cramping yesterday followed up by nothing.  Unless I did ovulate at CD18 afterall and my body is just screwing with me and adding another presentation to my list of ways it can be not pregnant.

I can't really concentrate right now.  I hate being in limbo land and having this nagging hope... Ughhh!  This cycle feels like it has been going on FOREVER!  Ridiculous huh..

10DPO - Start of the End

So...in case there was any doubt about what I already knew... Here is the BBT evidence that my body has snapped back into its pre-Clomid rubbish.  There have been two improvements. One is my cervix position when fertile and my EWCM. I still ovulate later. Judging by my LP length and temps, my progesterone is back to being borderline. I am still getting the same pre-AF cramps and dizziness. Tomorrow I can expect some spotting. Then I will bleed. PMS is rife. I'm sad and angry and everything to extremes. No more BFing fuzzies. :-( 

Of course I'm feeling all angry at my body and angry at having to wait at least six months before I can get this sorted. I didn't conceive off this before.  I'm not going to now... Any confidence I had about this working is gone. I knew that was the risk of doing the BBT thing. Oh well. At least I know. One month down. Five more to go...

8DPO - Ambiguity

As the title suggests, I'm 8DPO today. FF is saying 7DPO because it readjusted my chart when I put in some data over the last few days.  I can understand the rationale.

I decided to revive the thermometer and only temp if it was after a good sleep.  It is still sitting up quite well and higher than it was every before having DS.  Looking at previous charts though, 9DPO is where things can start to go hairy so that's tomorrow or Monday.  I haven't had any more cramping or anything that I would describe as definite reproductively.  I was having a lot of creamy CM until today.  Can't quite remember if that has been normal during these lasts few months.  I do remember that my CM still dried up the same when I was pg with DS though...  I'm a tad constipated but that could be the iron tablets crossed with coming off pre-workout supps for my work week.  The supps tend to give me the squits a bit.  My nipples are vaguely sensitive and my right boob vaguely tender to a good squeeze by the end of the day.  All pretty normal for me leading up to AF.  Usually disappears a day or two before it starts. Last time I was PG at 9DPO I had the first bit of serious cramping which I thought was AF getting ready to come.  I had it again in the morning on 10DPO and then had my positive on 11DPO with more cramping in the evening and from then on essentially...which turned into braxton hicks.

I'm leaning towards more not pregnant. Would have been nice if it was that easy.  Hopefully get a good block of sleep and temp tomorrow. Should see that familiar drop and then I'll know for sure. :-)  Funny how I hated it when TTC #1 but now it just puts me out of thinking about it all too hard for the next few days.  Can plan for the next cycle. 

My old self is a little bit there.  While I was doing the Google things I stumbled across the blog of a superfertile. You know... the type that have three million symptoms from 3DPO and just know they are pregnant and of course are right and do it first time round.  It just left me feeling annoyed. :-/ I am so determined it seems not to succeed.  A guy at work was saying how it took them 10 or 11 months the first time around so they started trying early for the second and it was only three months.  All I can hear is my internal dialogue saying "that won't happen to me".  I guess it is in part protective so that if I am right then I won't have expected anything different...

Blah. Gotta go to sleep. Bed to myself tonight so should sleep well. Up early for work.  No doubt I'll be blogging away on Monday.

5DPO - Spotting

I've been having cramps.  Definite real cramps. AF impending type cramps. Ovarian cyst types cramps. Maybe bowel issue type cramps. And then I went to the loo this afternoon and there was a glob of this EWCM stuff loaded with brown blood.  But that was it. No more.  -sigh-

I've had cramping for the best part of my LP. I've had spotting from 8 or 9 DPO when I screwing around with Vitex.  But, I've never had any kind of spotting at 5DPO. 

TTC #1 version of me would have been really excited that it might have been evidence of an implantation bleed. The TTC #2 version of me is not quite that optimistic.

I figure there are a few potential reasons for this:

1. The B6 I've been taking is screwing things up. (I am sure I tried B6 before but didn't try it again for a reason... think it was just cause it made no difference but will have to back track my other blog).

2. My progesterone is going to poo again. In which case I expect the spotting to continue and AF to come early which will probably trigger parameters for going to my OBGYN.

3. My body is still in post weaning disarray. Give that I spotted all the way up to CD14, perhaps I should be expecting this??

4. It is actually implantation??

LOL I love this game.  Get the feeling I'm going to add random spotting to my list of things that my body can do that is not indicative of a pregnancy. Ok, off to work tomorrow. See where we stand come Monday I guess.

4DPO

Done with temping.  Waking up so much worrying about temping at the right time after enough sleep is just plain draining and inconvenient.  Only going to do the week around ovulation...if I end up keeping it up.

Temp was up high this morning. Higher than I've ever seen it. But my sleep was crap and I've had some gut trouble today.  Although, the other interesting thing is that I've had some distinct cramping.  LOL Symptom watch much??  Too early for implantation in theory. With all my mad looking at FF and Google, it could be something or it could be nothing. It started during my cardio. I couldn't ignore it.  I feel bad for stopping. I wasn't going to let TTC get in the way of life but I had a "what if?" moment or three. 

Now that the ovulation craziness has passed, I'm feeling quite stable...oddly.  It might be temporary. I don't feel that whole "It hasn't worked" stressed.  I feel perfectly calm.  I'm not sure if its a good thing or not in terms of pregnancy but if I can be like this all the time, it will make this journey much easier.  I have a bit of this feeling like I need to savour this trying experience because we probably won't do it again. We probably won't have a third so pregnancy will be something to savour and every bit of that newborn stage...well, so long as they are not an unsettled, unhappy baby.

I'll have work to keep my mind busy until the start of next week and then I'll be on underwear watch until Wednesday. LOL!  FF says my test day is Tuesday but that would be based on old cycle information.  Wednesday is it unless I just somehow know. (haha)

Maybe Chance?

So we got a session in last night. I couched it as a fun session and I was on top and I had no idea when DH blew so not really thinking it was very helpful.  I know teenagers can get pregnant any which way...can't say I believe the same for myself.  I think I ovulated yesterday. Sex drive really kicked up a gear and I had the pathalogical urge to make babies. Cervix went to being fully ripe too. So depending on when the egg popped we either managed O-4 and O+1 or just ovulation day. The odds for either at my ovulation day on FF are rubbish.  Ovulating at CD17/18 is just rubbish.  Did I mention they are all 30+ and long term TTCers?  Oh well.  I guess I can hope that I've got some of those post baby super fertility going on!

What's the plan? 18/04 DS gets his immunisations.  If AF hasn't started to show by then which will be 10/11DPO, I'll do a quick test.  It would be a bit of a fairytale finding out on our wedding anniversary and incidentally DS's original due date. Oh and just being able to walk into the GP and go "BTW, can I get a referral for my OBGYN?!'.  -sigh- That sort of thing doesn't happen to me. Patience....

On a random side note, I followed a couple blogs. I want to find a few more.  It is a bit weird because I'm not quite a first timer and I'm not really in fertility intervention mode so I'm not sure where I fit in with the TTC community....

Disappointment

So we got busy yesterday afternoon but I knew from the get go he wasn't up to it. I actually I knew at about the point that he decided to go for a bike ride before a run that he wouldn't be up to it.

I was fine yesterday but feeling disappointed today.  OPK went positive and given that DH has decided to go into work until the afternoon, I seriously doubt we will be getting it on tonight. :-(  That means we will have only had productive action 3 or 4 days before ovulation depending on when this egg pops.  We could still be in with a shot tomorrow but I just don't see it happening. 

There are quite a few FF charts listing pregnancy from O-3 but the majority only come up that way because FF uses its own little forumla and if you look at them properly, it's more like O-1 or O-2.  So I guess I can pretty well expect AF in about a week and a half. 

Strange as it is I was actually feeling remotely positive about the odds of being able to do this ourselves.  Holidays are the best time because we can have sex during the day and it doesn't depend quite so much and how DH has gone at work. Oh well...

Overall, I'm in a better headspace.  I feel a bit useless and defeated at the moment but it is nowhere near that devastation I used to experience and I'm not going to be haunting DH like a bad smell trying to coax him into bed. LOL! The way I look at it, I've got another month to work on getting stronger for my fitness comp.  I've got things to focus on at the moment. TTC is not everything.

DH asked about menevit yesterday. I bought him some today.  Can't believe how freaking expensive it is.  They asked me if I wanted a big or a small bottle.  Had I realised how much it was I would have said the small one!

Anyway, I guess that will be the last from me for a little bit. On the bright side, if I maintain this regularity with fertility then we only have to contend with DH's work as I'll be rostered off each time.  Also means I'll AF on days off!

CD16..The Difference of 24 hours

So my body is well and truly screwing with my mind.  OPK today was strong but not positive.  Overnight we've gone from unfertile to really very fertile and I dare say I'll get a positive tomorrow or Saturday at the latest.

I'm stunned.

If I get it tomorrow then this will be the most regular that I have been since I was a teenager. You know, before nine years of hormonal contraceptives!

I struggled yesterday.  I think it was the idea that something was not working. I have all the patience in the world if my body works. If there is no reason for things not to work then I am happy to hit it until it does.  When I think there is something wrong I become driven to fix it NOW.  It's irrational and crazy.

Do I think we can win like this? IDK.  The 11 day LP is the thing which bugs me. I feel like maybe we can but I am not super confident. Last time I got my faint positive on 11DPO but I had a 13 day LP on Clomid without any spotting.  I guess we will see. 

Part of me is not so secretly hoping that we can pull a one hit wonder.  It would all time out perfectly.  The due date for AF falls on a doctor's appointment for DS to get his 12 months immunisations.  I could get my referral to my OBGYN at the same time.  I would love to believe I could be so lucky.  Getting a bit ahead of myself.  Need to get some BD done today and/or tomorrow first!

Got a bit drunk last night. I'm soft now. Literally a glass of wine did it and then I had another.  Broke one of my rules and told two close folks that we are trying.  It's ok though. Neither of them are going to be trying within the next 12 months.  I know I'm sucked into this already so I am working on how to keep my head straight while we try.  Not feeling like we are screwing around wasting time will help. 

I've been thinking about the timeline.  I decided a while back that I wouldn't go back for Clomid until after my fitness comp unless my LP dropped below 10 days.  I am thinking I might also add in provision for if I ovulate later than CD23 although I think rubbish LP goes with that anyway.  What I am also thinking is that I may wait it out for one year. Maybe.  Looking at the FF charts, 12 months does look like a reasonable expectation rather than six.  But I guess it depends on where my head is at come November this year.  If I'm still pretty relaxed then I'll wait.  If I've already gotten to "I want it NOW" stage then I'll go back before.

The other thing that I have changed my mind about is the sharing of information.  There are two lovely ladies in my triad. If they ask, I will tell.  If they don't, then they will find out if/when we fall pregnant again.  I'm using my old FF account as I still have VIP membership days.  I haven't completely covered my tracks.  Only one of them is potentially likely to discover it.  She may not say anything. Everyone else will know nothing...

Body Loathing

I hate my body so much right now.  CD15 and it seems we have stalled.  LH strip no closer to being positive.  Cervix stuck in the same not very fertile crappy position.  I'm not going to ovulate on CD17.  I hate my body. I hate that I can't just work like an ordinary person.  :-( 

I was looking on FF at charts where ovulation happens on CD17.  Most of them are 30 years plus old.  Those that are my age and do get pregnant take months and months and get slung with unexplained infertility.  I remembered yesterday that my mother got early menopause.  Picture seems a little clearer now.  I might as well face the fact that this is going to be a long journey yet again. 

I've been spotting through to mid cycle.  Yesterday is was quite red again. I emailed my OBGYN and he seems to be of the opinion that it is just my hormones readjusting.  Awesome. I still have milk.  So now I am going to have to put up with a messy downstairs for months while we TTC futily.

DH is really into it right now.  I'm shocked.  He wasn't like this until well into the process last time. I hope the enthusiasm sticks. :-)

Remembered why I quit temping too.  I wake up all night long. For some reason I can't switch my brain off enough to get good uninterrupted sleep.  I don't think I'll temp after ovulation or for any more cycles.  I value my sleep too much. 

Game On!

I'm ready to go.  DH has officially declared he is ready. That's about all the incentive I need.  This is isn't just a state of having planned it now and moving in that direction.  He's good to go.  This is big!

I've been faithful to my Elevit and I bought some B6 today.  I'll wait til next cycle to start using it and hopefully it will have a positive impact on my LP.  I changed my mind at the last minute and kicked over Fertility Friend again.  I'm getting fertile mucous much earlier than I used to and it is actually nice running EWCM as opposed to just watery CM.  Maybe this will be possible? 

CD14 is tomorrow. I'm thinking maybe CD16 or 17 at the moment.  I've given DH notice of the need to start acting. 

Oh and I might temp this one out to see if I'm crashing mid LP again.  If I have to go back to my OBGYN for fertility then I want to actually know what is going on.  Probably won't do it each cycle but if I reasses in three months and then six, I'll see if there is any change. 

I'm geared up for a pregnancy but I'm not in any great rush.  I feel good about this.  I know there could be a good year or so of this. We both do.  We are fine with it.  Each day DS gets a bit older and more mature. The older he is the better.  We will achieve this in a reasonable timeframe. :-)

Sucked In

Sucked in... -sigh-  It's everywhere.  The mothers groups are rife with TTC stuff.  "Oooops we DTD and we might get a BFP". "Can't wait to TTC" etc...  Yeah like you can accidentally DTD when you know you're fertile.  -rolls eyes-  I was also cleaning out my bookmarks and found two old FF charts which have been silently TTC. Oh man... It really is everywhere.

I am beginning to feel gripped by the crazy little monster that wants it NOW. The questions start... Will I am be able to keep my head clear enough to lose months of my life? Is my LP long enough to do this naturally? Am I going to be able to keep myself from getting disappointed? Am I going to be able to cope with the mass of impending pregnancies?

The biggest thing is whether I can shed the "fertility challenged" mindset.  Part of me is expecting to fail. I'm expecting to get to the end of November and be heading back to my OBGYN to tell him that my body still sucks.  The more logical part of me says that I don't know if there was anything wrong with me at all.  When I came off the pill I was having long cycles and 9 or 10 LPs.  It eventually got to 11 days.  When I was temping I could see that my temp would start to decay after 4 or 5 DPO rather than stay put and drop abruptly.  My 7DPO progesterone was JUST above borderline for abnormal.  I was also ovulating somewhere around CD18-20.  But technically it was all within "normal" limits.  Perhaps it wasn't ideal but we would have conceived on the 12 months anyway. I'll never know.  I pushed for a referral and ended up seeing the best dude in the world.  He did a lap, checked my tubes were clear, burned the crap out of my endo and we did three rounds of Clomid, the last of which got us our little man.  On Clomid I was ovulating CD15 or 16 and my LP was 13 days. Progesterone was also awesome at 7DPO. 

So I look at my cycles at the moment and I see my 11 day LP. I see that at least for the last one I've ovulated CD17.  I've had spotting going on for 12 days. I've had spotting on and off before AF.  I've had cramping and stabbing pains and a whole lot of everything.  I could temp for a cycle and see what happens but...I don't really want to know.  I don't want to see that things are the same as they used to be.  I don't want to destroy any hope of approaching this with a normal mindset.  Alternatively, I'm just sticking my head in the sand.

LOL I am re-reading what I've written and it seems to me that my feelings that unideal are right.  But it also seems to me that I just haven't made up my mind about how hard I want to play this ball. No rush... let's just see how this cycle plays out.

Of Course...

I didn't expect to answer my own question so soon.  I logged onto FB last night and hit one of my mothers group pages, only to be greeted by a surprise BFP announcement.  Cue that feeling like you've just had a 10m vertical drop...followed by an intense desire to make sure DH would know EXACTLY what days were are going to be DTD.  Hummmm. I recognise this.  This is not a fertility related thing so much as a competitive thing.  Someone else has something I want and have beaten me to it. LMAO!  That's ok.  I can deal with that.  There are another two who are trying. One who I am sure won't have to "try" and the other is questionable.  Then in the other group there are three or four who are jumping on the TTC train within the next few months.  It is going to get very hot in here soon.

On further contemplation of my current situation I have changed my mind about one thing.  If we hit six unsuccessful cycles before November, I'm going to wait until after November to go back to my OBGYN.  November I have an annual fitness competition.  The last two years I've been written off being preggo or post baby.  This year, if the opportunity does present, I want to be competitive.  I don't want to be getting into fertility treatments that screw with my mindset when competing.  I don't want put in eight months of hard work to then miss out by a month and be stuck on a heart rate limit etc.  Selfish?  Yeah maybe.  But I am done with putting my life on hold for TTC.  I feel like I've lost a big chunk of my life to that in the past and I'm not doing that again.  I realise that I am working in two direction at the same time but we managed it last time when I was smashing pre-workout supplements and flogging my body physically so we can do it again.  My sub-fertility woes are not a product of my physical exertion.

Let The Games Begin

I pulled an 11 day LP.  I am not entirely sure what to feel about it.  It wasn't previously good enough but then again, previously I wasn't getting copious amounts of EWCM and my cervix never seemed to sit in a good position for sperm catching.  I guess what I feel is neutral. Not entirely pessimistic but not exactly optimistic either.  I'm prepared for nothing. LOL!

DH will be on holidays for the baby making time which will be good.  I'm feeling somewhat nervous about getting the timing right.  This last cycle was the first since weaning entirely.  Things could change.  I may ovulate earlier. Or later.  I am really not used to not knowing what direction my body will head. 

I opted to get pre-preg bloods done just to make sure everything does look good from the outside.  I'll probably get that sorted next week when I've got some me time.

I'm still all over the shop when it comes to doing this.  One day I am in to it and feeling somewhat enthusiastic, thinking it will be a good idea.  The next I am feeling guilty and that I'll be depriving DS of our total attention and resources.  With that I swing between my typically impatient state of mind to one of procrastination. 

I've been hibernating from the pregnant world.  If I don't see it then I am not aware that it is something that we are trying to do and if it isn't working then I won't hurt from it. I worry a bit about how I am going to go as my various mothers groups start to fall pregnant again. I am already setting myself up for the long haul before we have really even begun.

Anyhow, watch and wait from here. AF has been more clear fluid than blood - not sure what to make of that.  Last cycle I spotted up to CD12. My body is clunky. Ironic that I'm running less well now that I'm not BFing!

Second Thoughts

I have second thoughts a lot.  Today has been no different.  But I wonder if it is like the financial thing. People always told me that we should not wait to get on top of the mortgage cause it won't happen in a reasonable timeframe so it is better just to do it and we will cope.  This has been true.  Not well enough for me to be a SAHM but well enough that I only have to do a little supplemental work to keep our bank accounts chugging along.  We've coped just fine despite many anxieties I had when pregnant. Perhaps this is the same...that if I forever wait for when I think the little man will be more ideal, it just will never happen.  Would that be a bad thing?  Not entirely.  Would I regret it?  Yeah, I suspect so.

I have to admit that I've been rubbish with remembering to take my elevit.  My head is clearly not in the headspace.  What is the head space though?  Is it that obsessed blinkered state of existence?  No. Surely not?  Surely there is something in between?  Committed but relaxed?  Do I know how to do that? *shrug*  Perhaps this is the best way to be?

Currently sitting on what I believe is 8DPO. Got a little concerned a few days ago as I had a distinctive AF type feeling.  Wondering if that will translate to a short LP. Guess I'll find out soon enough.

Feeling really lacklustre.  Enjoying my physical persuits at the moment and feel like doing this is a form of self-sabotage.  Seriously considering putting off for another month... or maybe more. 

The First Post

So, this is my hidden blog.  Next month we start TTC #2 but I'm not telling anybody...not even my bloggy buds.  I'm not even sure I will keep this updated but I do need a space where I can deblag my head from time to time.

TTC #2 comes with mixed emotions.  I'm a little bit afraid of going through that whole process again. I'm not fully sure I am ready to be entering the realms of a second baby but I guess I realise that by the time that I am, I'll have wished I started trying sooner.

I am not telling anyone because I don't want the pressure.  I don't want to be all about TTC.  I don't want to be tracked or avoided.  I don't want sympathy and condolences. I don't want any expectations. I don't want any judgements.  I just want to get on with things. If anyone should find this, then so be it. But I am not making an announcement of it.

My planned approached has changed a few times and I think I've hit a point where I am comfortable and I believe I can get the job done with minimal fuss.

I'm still ovulating late.  This last cycle was CD17 but I had a fantastic lot of good quality EWCM.  My cervix is much higher, softer and favourably position after having Sprout #1. What I need to see if how my LP goes.  I don't want it to go any shorter than 12 days.  If we can get 12 days then I am pretty confident that we can get pregnant on our own within six cycles.

Six cycles is what I'll give it before I head back to the OBGYN.  A cycle doesn't count if we don't manage to have sex at a good time.  If I do have a 12 day LP and we hit six cycles I may give it longer as I can't see any reason why it shouldn't happen.  If it is less than that, I'll go see him.  I've also decided that if my LP should go shorter than 10 days at any point, I will go immediately.  There is no point trying if there is no chance.

Based on an ovulation day of CD17, I'll aim to get us in to bed on CD15 and CD17.  That way if things don't pan out on CD15, we will have had sex either CD16 or 17 and maybe again on CD18 which should still put us in striking range.

I'll be using OPKs to identify my LH surge and I'll temp from CD13 or 14 until I've confirmed ovulation.  I won't be recording symptoms. I won't be charting my temps.  I know my OBGYN knows that I know my body and will take whatever I say as it is so there is no need make this a recorded obsessive thing.

I'm trying to remember to take Elevit everyday.  I did sporadically through January and February.  I won't be adding anything else.

I also won't be changing my eating, sleeping or exercising habits.  When we do fall pregnant I will stop taking my pre-workout supplements.  Until that point, nothing changes unless I am advised to do so by my OBGYN.  It didn't make a difference last time so no point in putting life on hold again this time around.

I am considering getting bloods done when I take Sprout #1 in to the doctor next week. Just to make sure my ducks are lined up.  I'll make that call closer to the time.

So, gotta wrap it up here. Sprout #1 has just woken up!