CD11 - Really!?

Ok so this morning I had this massive wad of EWCM and then I was sitting there feeling all this abdo stuff which is usually only there in the day immediately before ovulation.  I checked my cervix and it is OPEN! W-T-F!?  -blink-  I'm trying not to get excited because I think it pretended to get all fertile early on me before when I was BFing but my whole body feels like it is moving towards ovulation.  I am really, really feeling that I am going to have CD14 or 15 ovulation here.  I did an OPK for good measure and there was a very very barely there faint line which is more than I would normally have for this time. I am amazed.  Was it the course of B6? Is it the aspirin?  Or did pregnancy really cure me?? Totally getting ahead of myself here.  Honestly though, if I start to ovulate like a normal person and end up with a normal luteal phase I am very confident that we can do this without Clomid.  Heck, I will give it the whole 12 months.  I wonder if I should start temping again now?  Maybe I'll wait another day or two. I only need a couple temps for before I ovulate and then a couple after to confirm it.  -grin-  Exciting!

CD9 - Progress report

So we have a few positive things. The first is that it is CD9 and after having a bit of a rusty discharge yesterday, I am spot free today!  Yay!  The next is that I've been feeling awful randy. I was suspect of that until I noted a glob of EWCM. Second yay!  I haven't been starting to pick up fertile signs at CD9 since I was BFing!  Cervix is high (I think), firm and closed but this is a start.  Not going to get too excited yet and I really don't mind if I end up ovulating CD16-18 as that will be perfect for the weekend. But...you know... if I get surprised and pull a CD15 I'll be pretty happy too.

I'm not sure whether it is the B6 flog I did last cycle or the baby aspirin or both.  I've read that B6 lowers prolactin levels which can of course influence ovulation.  I never ovulated CD14, even on Clomid but maybe, minus the prolactin I'm cured post-pregnancy??  LOL ok probably being optimistic but early ovulation could mean good progesterone and good luteal phase.

Alright so the thing with aspirin, apart from thinning the blood and allowing the fertilised egg to implant easier, it also increases blood flow to the ovaries which can improve the strength of ovulation.  I am not bruising like a mad woman so the 100mg is doing ok.  I am taking it at night because I took it in the morning with my usual stuff and end up quite nauseated.  Might be the green tea too. Thought I would empty the bottle seeing it is past its best before date.  Figured it wouldn't hurt my CM.

Anyhow, definitely getting my right ride ovary stabby thing going on so there is movement at the station.  As usual, feeling optimistic...  See how optimistic I feel after ovulation!

I Suck at Impartial

I don't like TTC.  I don't like it one bit.  I was in the gym this morning and feeling pretty good.  I'm making some progress but I wish I was moving faster towards being strong for this comp in November.  Then of course I reflected back to last week and how I was holding some in reserve "just in case".  I say I won't do that and I end up doing it anyway.  I know I shouldn't. I fell pregnant last time while I was smashing myself with protein and supplements and physically flogging my body.  There is no reason but I still get sucked in when I feel crampy or tired.  How am I supposed to function like this when half the month I do this??  Then I start looking at one of the PT's clients.  They are pretty strong. I think to myself that maybe I can use her.  But then I look at my situation and I realise it is ridiculous.  What am I supposed to tell her?  Yeah so I'm using you to try and win a competition set by my other PT and by the way I'm trying to get pregnant at the same time and if that happens then I'll probably have to drop my sessions with you. (Not that I can really afford to feed my PT addiction anyway). 

So I find myself feeling frustrated because I can't see any reason why my substandard body doing the same thing as it did pre-pregnancy should do anything different prior to Clomid.  I just want to get on with things.  If I'm going to sacrifice myself in every regard for another pregnancy and baby for another two years then I just want to get on with it. Why should I have to screw around for six months like this?

Part of me contemplated contacting the great Dr. A. and just outrightly asking to skip to Clomid.  Reality is that he'd probably let me. What's stopping me?  I can't justify not at least giving it a good go ourselves.  If I were on the outside looking in, I would judge me. If I would judge myself I know that it isn't the right thing to do...  So here I am. Trapped again in a life lived two weeks at a time. Well sorta... More like 2.5 and 1.5.. The first part where I am relatively optimistic and flog myself hard and enjoy life and then the second part where I lose all faith and start stalling on the off chance that somehow past history actually changes something.  Why couldn't I just be a superfertile? 

I need to work on that unwavering positivity thing I was yapping on about last post. LOL.

Six months. That's it.  That's all I'm giving it.  Come October I'm getting my little angry pills.

Cycle #2 CD 2 - Game Plans

AF arrived as I had anticipated.  Bit of a slow start and I seem to be bleeding at random times.  It has also been quite painful and I did resort to the ibuprofen/panadol combo at one point.  Thankfully not bad enough to crack open the panadeine forte.  Thank goodness I'm not dealing with this at work!  The nastiness of this cycle has me wondering just how I am going to manage myself hormonally when we are all done with babies... :-/

I seem to change my game plan on a daily basis. However, I have been thinking about our timing.  As it stands I'll be next due to ovulate on a weekend or just after it. This is a good thing.  It means we are most likely to be able to time sex well.  If I take B6 and it drags out my LP by another two days then the next time around will be during the week. Early week is not good because DH is out on Monday nights. That and we start getting closer to a collision with my work. Things will not be good if I have to come home from a 12 or 13 hour work day to try and eat, shower and get laid!  So, I'm thinking I'll ditch the B6 afterall. 

My mind however, has wandered over to low dose aspirin.  There were a lot of factors which could have contributed to success that time e.g. post lap, third clomid cycle, being relaxed etc.  The other thing I thought of was that I was back on my sports supps.  One or more of which I think had White Willow Bark i.e. the natural aspirin.  Of course, I may be wrong about that entirely but even if I am, so what?  Although there is a lot of conflicting information the fact that anti-coag meds are used for IVF and IUI patients says something to me about their importance.  I figure it doesn't hurt to give it a go and then stop it as soon as I get a positive (assuming that happens before we hit Clomid time again).  Who knows...perhaps it will make all the difference.

I was thinking a lot this morning about my situation.  I will never really understand how well timed sex with a good semen sample and apparently normal although less than ideal menstrual cycle doesn't result in pregnancy.  I struggle to see us being able to do this alone but at the same time I don't really know why Clomid would make that much difference either.  Another part of me pipes in about how it is only another five cycles until then if I really want to go down that path straight away.  Another part gives me a lecture about how I should appreciate this TTC time because it will probably be the last. 

I really need to be more positive. LOL. No pun intended there.  I mean that I need to try and believe that this will happen.  I need to visualise the positive test and my blossoming belly.  I need to own my situation.  I want this to happen and I don't want to get all torn up like last time and end up making it all go away.  At the end of the day I am in control of how I choose handle my life and the events within it.  This is no different.  :-)  I've only purchased six months on my FF VIP account.  I think that is a good start!  Now remind me of this when I'm in the TWW and getting all sad!

I think I am also ready to try and engage other people who may be in the same boat. Some blogger types trying for a second or a third or whatever.  As much as I may be sucked in to this, it is different from the first time.  I want to share things with somebody who is where I am at!  Hmmm...may be time to hit the FF forums!

13DPO - Meh

Meh. Meh. Meh.

Another negative.

Acne this afternoon. Cramping all day. Tiny streak of blood in CM tonight.  AF will be here tomorrow.

I can only assume that the B6 and a concoction of other vitamins a started downing on Monday thinking I was getting sick are responsible for my long LP. 

This last three days have felt a bit feral but a 13 day luteal phase is awesome.  So, I am going to adjust the plan.  Elevit and Calcium CD1 to ovulation, adding in B6 200mg, B complex and Men's Multi (yes seriously) from ovulation onward.  I think I was right that the day of B6 prior to ovulation put the brakes on for a day (Google seems to confirm others with similar experience).  Anyway, I'll do that until we start Clomid.  Can you tell how optimistic I'm feeling? :-P

There is reason for this though.  I am starting to struggle a bit with the number of pregnancies popping up around me.  But I got an unexpected announcement yesterday.  I met a couple ladies on a forum. Two of whom I became very close. One has a 3 month only. The other has a bub a day older than mine.  She had PCOS but more specifically LUFS i.e. eggs formed but didn't pop.  She had one m/c but each Clomid round was instant conception. After our bubs were born she fell pg quickly again by accident but m/c.  Last night she text me to say she was pg again.  She's been on the pill one month and been using withdrawal...except for one time.  That was all it took....  My gut says this one will stick.  Of course I feel this one because we were a week apart last pregnancy and this was a "could have been" coincidence.  Again I am reminded that it just isn't that easy for me.  :-(  Did I mention that I remembered my mum had early menopause?  Wonder if the explains my rubbish menstrual cycle...

Right well I just want this AF on so I get on with the next cycle already.

12DPO - What The?!

Yesterday I had mad crazy AF cramps that went all the way through to my lower back. I took Advil to make them go away. I was running to the toilet every ten seconds because I thought it was going to be there and was expecting spotting at a minimum last night. I had serious PMT. I was sure I would wake up to the deluge this morning. 

This morning my temp goes a little bit up. I get some cramps but for the most part they are gone. I have no trace of spotting. Ummm....  So I took a IC test and it was negative. Of course this curve ball would happen. I didn't think of option three where I'd have DS's shots this afternoon with neither AF or a BFP.

I'm going to take an FR test this afternoon.  Not that I expect it to be positive.  But clutching at straws here.  I don't really feel PG but I can't explain this.  I can't explain that amount of cramping yesterday followed up by nothing.  Unless I did ovulate at CD18 afterall and my body is just screwing with me and adding another presentation to my list of ways it can be not pregnant.

I can't really concentrate right now.  I hate being in limbo land and having this nagging hope... Ughhh!  This cycle feels like it has been going on FOREVER!  Ridiculous huh..

10DPO - Start of the End

So...in case there was any doubt about what I already knew... Here is the BBT evidence that my body has snapped back into its pre-Clomid rubbish.  There have been two improvements. One is my cervix position when fertile and my EWCM. I still ovulate later. Judging by my LP length and temps, my progesterone is back to being borderline. I am still getting the same pre-AF cramps and dizziness. Tomorrow I can expect some spotting. Then I will bleed. PMS is rife. I'm sad and angry and everything to extremes. No more BFing fuzzies. :-( 

Of course I'm feeling all angry at my body and angry at having to wait at least six months before I can get this sorted. I didn't conceive off this before.  I'm not going to now... Any confidence I had about this working is gone. I knew that was the risk of doing the BBT thing. Oh well. At least I know. One month down. Five more to go...

8DPO - Ambiguity

As the title suggests, I'm 8DPO today. FF is saying 7DPO because it readjusted my chart when I put in some data over the last few days.  I can understand the rationale.

I decided to revive the thermometer and only temp if it was after a good sleep.  It is still sitting up quite well and higher than it was every before having DS.  Looking at previous charts though, 9DPO is where things can start to go hairy so that's tomorrow or Monday.  I haven't had any more cramping or anything that I would describe as definite reproductively.  I was having a lot of creamy CM until today.  Can't quite remember if that has been normal during these lasts few months.  I do remember that my CM still dried up the same when I was pg with DS though...  I'm a tad constipated but that could be the iron tablets crossed with coming off pre-workout supps for my work week.  The supps tend to give me the squits a bit.  My nipples are vaguely sensitive and my right boob vaguely tender to a good squeeze by the end of the day.  All pretty normal for me leading up to AF.  Usually disappears a day or two before it starts. Last time I was PG at 9DPO I had the first bit of serious cramping which I thought was AF getting ready to come.  I had it again in the morning on 10DPO and then had my positive on 11DPO with more cramping in the evening and from then on essentially...which turned into braxton hicks.

I'm leaning towards more not pregnant. Would have been nice if it was that easy.  Hopefully get a good block of sleep and temp tomorrow. Should see that familiar drop and then I'll know for sure. :-)  Funny how I hated it when TTC #1 but now it just puts me out of thinking about it all too hard for the next few days.  Can plan for the next cycle. 

My old self is a little bit there.  While I was doing the Google things I stumbled across the blog of a superfertile. You know... the type that have three million symptoms from 3DPO and just know they are pregnant and of course are right and do it first time round.  It just left me feeling annoyed. :-/ I am so determined it seems not to succeed.  A guy at work was saying how it took them 10 or 11 months the first time around so they started trying early for the second and it was only three months.  All I can hear is my internal dialogue saying "that won't happen to me".  I guess it is in part protective so that if I am right then I won't have expected anything different...

Blah. Gotta go to sleep. Bed to myself tonight so should sleep well. Up early for work.  No doubt I'll be blogging away on Monday.

5DPO - Spotting

I've been having cramps.  Definite real cramps. AF impending type cramps. Ovarian cyst types cramps. Maybe bowel issue type cramps. And then I went to the loo this afternoon and there was a glob of this EWCM stuff loaded with brown blood.  But that was it. No more.  -sigh-

I've had cramping for the best part of my LP. I've had spotting from 8 or 9 DPO when I screwing around with Vitex.  But, I've never had any kind of spotting at 5DPO. 

TTC #1 version of me would have been really excited that it might have been evidence of an implantation bleed. The TTC #2 version of me is not quite that optimistic.

I figure there are a few potential reasons for this:

1. The B6 I've been taking is screwing things up. (I am sure I tried B6 before but didn't try it again for a reason... think it was just cause it made no difference but will have to back track my other blog).

2. My progesterone is going to poo again. In which case I expect the spotting to continue and AF to come early which will probably trigger parameters for going to my OBGYN.

3. My body is still in post weaning disarray. Give that I spotted all the way up to CD14, perhaps I should be expecting this??

4. It is actually implantation??

LOL I love this game.  Get the feeling I'm going to add random spotting to my list of things that my body can do that is not indicative of a pregnancy. Ok, off to work tomorrow. See where we stand come Monday I guess.

4DPO

Done with temping.  Waking up so much worrying about temping at the right time after enough sleep is just plain draining and inconvenient.  Only going to do the week around ovulation...if I end up keeping it up.

Temp was up high this morning. Higher than I've ever seen it. But my sleep was crap and I've had some gut trouble today.  Although, the other interesting thing is that I've had some distinct cramping.  LOL Symptom watch much??  Too early for implantation in theory. With all my mad looking at FF and Google, it could be something or it could be nothing. It started during my cardio. I couldn't ignore it.  I feel bad for stopping. I wasn't going to let TTC get in the way of life but I had a "what if?" moment or three. 

Now that the ovulation craziness has passed, I'm feeling quite stable...oddly.  It might be temporary. I don't feel that whole "It hasn't worked" stressed.  I feel perfectly calm.  I'm not sure if its a good thing or not in terms of pregnancy but if I can be like this all the time, it will make this journey much easier.  I have a bit of this feeling like I need to savour this trying experience because we probably won't do it again. We probably won't have a third so pregnancy will be something to savour and every bit of that newborn stage...well, so long as they are not an unsettled, unhappy baby.

I'll have work to keep my mind busy until the start of next week and then I'll be on underwear watch until Wednesday. LOL!  FF says my test day is Tuesday but that would be based on old cycle information.  Wednesday is it unless I just somehow know. (haha)

Maybe Chance?

So we got a session in last night. I couched it as a fun session and I was on top and I had no idea when DH blew so not really thinking it was very helpful.  I know teenagers can get pregnant any which way...can't say I believe the same for myself.  I think I ovulated yesterday. Sex drive really kicked up a gear and I had the pathalogical urge to make babies. Cervix went to being fully ripe too. So depending on when the egg popped we either managed O-4 and O+1 or just ovulation day. The odds for either at my ovulation day on FF are rubbish.  Ovulating at CD17/18 is just rubbish.  Did I mention they are all 30+ and long term TTCers?  Oh well.  I guess I can hope that I've got some of those post baby super fertility going on!

What's the plan? 18/04 DS gets his immunisations.  If AF hasn't started to show by then which will be 10/11DPO, I'll do a quick test.  It would be a bit of a fairytale finding out on our wedding anniversary and incidentally DS's original due date. Oh and just being able to walk into the GP and go "BTW, can I get a referral for my OBGYN?!'.  -sigh- That sort of thing doesn't happen to me. Patience....

On a random side note, I followed a couple blogs. I want to find a few more.  It is a bit weird because I'm not quite a first timer and I'm not really in fertility intervention mode so I'm not sure where I fit in with the TTC community....

Disappointment

So we got busy yesterday afternoon but I knew from the get go he wasn't up to it. I actually I knew at about the point that he decided to go for a bike ride before a run that he wouldn't be up to it.

I was fine yesterday but feeling disappointed today.  OPK went positive and given that DH has decided to go into work until the afternoon, I seriously doubt we will be getting it on tonight. :-(  That means we will have only had productive action 3 or 4 days before ovulation depending on when this egg pops.  We could still be in with a shot tomorrow but I just don't see it happening. 

There are quite a few FF charts listing pregnancy from O-3 but the majority only come up that way because FF uses its own little forumla and if you look at them properly, it's more like O-1 or O-2.  So I guess I can pretty well expect AF in about a week and a half. 

Strange as it is I was actually feeling remotely positive about the odds of being able to do this ourselves.  Holidays are the best time because we can have sex during the day and it doesn't depend quite so much and how DH has gone at work. Oh well...

Overall, I'm in a better headspace.  I feel a bit useless and defeated at the moment but it is nowhere near that devastation I used to experience and I'm not going to be haunting DH like a bad smell trying to coax him into bed. LOL! The way I look at it, I've got another month to work on getting stronger for my fitness comp.  I've got things to focus on at the moment. TTC is not everything.

DH asked about menevit yesterday. I bought him some today.  Can't believe how freaking expensive it is.  They asked me if I wanted a big or a small bottle.  Had I realised how much it was I would have said the small one!

Anyway, I guess that will be the last from me for a little bit. On the bright side, if I maintain this regularity with fertility then we only have to contend with DH's work as I'll be rostered off each time.  Also means I'll AF on days off!

CD16..The Difference of 24 hours

So my body is well and truly screwing with my mind.  OPK today was strong but not positive.  Overnight we've gone from unfertile to really very fertile and I dare say I'll get a positive tomorrow or Saturday at the latest.

I'm stunned.

If I get it tomorrow then this will be the most regular that I have been since I was a teenager. You know, before nine years of hormonal contraceptives!

I struggled yesterday.  I think it was the idea that something was not working. I have all the patience in the world if my body works. If there is no reason for things not to work then I am happy to hit it until it does.  When I think there is something wrong I become driven to fix it NOW.  It's irrational and crazy.

Do I think we can win like this? IDK.  The 11 day LP is the thing which bugs me. I feel like maybe we can but I am not super confident. Last time I got my faint positive on 11DPO but I had a 13 day LP on Clomid without any spotting.  I guess we will see. 

Part of me is not so secretly hoping that we can pull a one hit wonder.  It would all time out perfectly.  The due date for AF falls on a doctor's appointment for DS to get his 12 months immunisations.  I could get my referral to my OBGYN at the same time.  I would love to believe I could be so lucky.  Getting a bit ahead of myself.  Need to get some BD done today and/or tomorrow first!

Got a bit drunk last night. I'm soft now. Literally a glass of wine did it and then I had another.  Broke one of my rules and told two close folks that we are trying.  It's ok though. Neither of them are going to be trying within the next 12 months.  I know I'm sucked into this already so I am working on how to keep my head straight while we try.  Not feeling like we are screwing around wasting time will help. 

I've been thinking about the timeline.  I decided a while back that I wouldn't go back for Clomid until after my fitness comp unless my LP dropped below 10 days.  I am thinking I might also add in provision for if I ovulate later than CD23 although I think rubbish LP goes with that anyway.  What I am also thinking is that I may wait it out for one year. Maybe.  Looking at the FF charts, 12 months does look like a reasonable expectation rather than six.  But I guess it depends on where my head is at come November this year.  If I'm still pretty relaxed then I'll wait.  If I've already gotten to "I want it NOW" stage then I'll go back before.

The other thing that I have changed my mind about is the sharing of information.  There are two lovely ladies in my triad. If they ask, I will tell.  If they don't, then they will find out if/when we fall pregnant again.  I'm using my old FF account as I still have VIP membership days.  I haven't completely covered my tracks.  Only one of them is potentially likely to discover it.  She may not say anything. Everyone else will know nothing...

Body Loathing

I hate my body so much right now.  CD15 and it seems we have stalled.  LH strip no closer to being positive.  Cervix stuck in the same not very fertile crappy position.  I'm not going to ovulate on CD17.  I hate my body. I hate that I can't just work like an ordinary person.  :-( 

I was looking on FF at charts where ovulation happens on CD17.  Most of them are 30 years plus old.  Those that are my age and do get pregnant take months and months and get slung with unexplained infertility.  I remembered yesterday that my mother got early menopause.  Picture seems a little clearer now.  I might as well face the fact that this is going to be a long journey yet again. 

I've been spotting through to mid cycle.  Yesterday is was quite red again. I emailed my OBGYN and he seems to be of the opinion that it is just my hormones readjusting.  Awesome. I still have milk.  So now I am going to have to put up with a messy downstairs for months while we TTC futily.

DH is really into it right now.  I'm shocked.  He wasn't like this until well into the process last time. I hope the enthusiasm sticks. :-)

Remembered why I quit temping too.  I wake up all night long. For some reason I can't switch my brain off enough to get good uninterrupted sleep.  I don't think I'll temp after ovulation or for any more cycles.  I value my sleep too much. 

Game On!

I'm ready to go.  DH has officially declared he is ready. That's about all the incentive I need.  This is isn't just a state of having planned it now and moving in that direction.  He's good to go.  This is big!

I've been faithful to my Elevit and I bought some B6 today.  I'll wait til next cycle to start using it and hopefully it will have a positive impact on my LP.  I changed my mind at the last minute and kicked over Fertility Friend again.  I'm getting fertile mucous much earlier than I used to and it is actually nice running EWCM as opposed to just watery CM.  Maybe this will be possible? 

CD14 is tomorrow. I'm thinking maybe CD16 or 17 at the moment.  I've given DH notice of the need to start acting. 

Oh and I might temp this one out to see if I'm crashing mid LP again.  If I have to go back to my OBGYN for fertility then I want to actually know what is going on.  Probably won't do it each cycle but if I reasses in three months and then six, I'll see if there is any change. 

I'm geared up for a pregnancy but I'm not in any great rush.  I feel good about this.  I know there could be a good year or so of this. We both do.  We are fine with it.  Each day DS gets a bit older and more mature. The older he is the better.  We will achieve this in a reasonable timeframe. :-)