I Suck at Impartial

I don't like TTC.  I don't like it one bit.  I was in the gym this morning and feeling pretty good.  I'm making some progress but I wish I was moving faster towards being strong for this comp in November.  Then of course I reflected back to last week and how I was holding some in reserve "just in case".  I say I won't do that and I end up doing it anyway.  I know I shouldn't. I fell pregnant last time while I was smashing myself with protein and supplements and physically flogging my body.  There is no reason but I still get sucked in when I feel crampy or tired.  How am I supposed to function like this when half the month I do this??  Then I start looking at one of the PT's clients.  They are pretty strong. I think to myself that maybe I can use her.  But then I look at my situation and I realise it is ridiculous.  What am I supposed to tell her?  Yeah so I'm using you to try and win a competition set by my other PT and by the way I'm trying to get pregnant at the same time and if that happens then I'll probably have to drop my sessions with you. (Not that I can really afford to feed my PT addiction anyway). 

So I find myself feeling frustrated because I can't see any reason why my substandard body doing the same thing as it did pre-pregnancy should do anything different prior to Clomid.  I just want to get on with things.  If I'm going to sacrifice myself in every regard for another pregnancy and baby for another two years then I just want to get on with it. Why should I have to screw around for six months like this?

Part of me contemplated contacting the great Dr. A. and just outrightly asking to skip to Clomid.  Reality is that he'd probably let me. What's stopping me?  I can't justify not at least giving it a good go ourselves.  If I were on the outside looking in, I would judge me. If I would judge myself I know that it isn't the right thing to do...  So here I am. Trapped again in a life lived two weeks at a time. Well sorta... More like 2.5 and 1.5.. The first part where I am relatively optimistic and flog myself hard and enjoy life and then the second part where I lose all faith and start stalling on the off chance that somehow past history actually changes something.  Why couldn't I just be a superfertile? 

I need to work on that unwavering positivity thing I was yapping on about last post. LOL.

Six months. That's it.  That's all I'm giving it.  Come October I'm getting my little angry pills.