...is the fallout when things don't work. Despite my previous rage session, I still was holding on to some hope. Rage subsided and disappeared. Temps were reasonable and a little different to previous. I had a few different symptoms to normal too. I thought maybe? I should have remembered that my body does like to change my presentation from cycle to cycle. What I did remember was that all too familiar night time dizzy feeling which was classic at the end of a natural cycle before. That was what I had last night. I tossed and turned all night long. I barely slept and despite that my temp was still starting the drop off this morning. I knew it would last night. I just knew. I am always right about these feelings.
I felt really miserable this morning. I felt angry at my body. I felt that familiar confusion about how we can do the same thing as everyone else and still somehow not end up pregnant. I forced myself to go to the gym. I forced myself not to stop and go home several times. I cam home feeling vaguely better. I made the decision to leave my DIG (Due In Group) on FB. I felt liberated...for a while.
I've been internally moping all day. I know I need to pick myself up and get ready to start my angry pills in another two or three days. But part of me is all like "I don't want to do this anymore. I HATE TTC. I HATE feeling like this. I DON'T WANT to have to go through the stupid timing sex thing AGAIN". I know I'll get over it and by the time I'm fertile again I'll be all optimistic but right now I'm taking the moment to feel what I feel.
I made the executive decision to go straight for 100mg Clomid. I know that is naughty. But DH will be on holidays, regardless of how early I ovulate. It will make the sex thing easier and more relaxed. I don't want to waste that opportunity on 50mg which made no difference to my cycle last time. I really, really, don't want to be doing this any longer than I have to. Thrill of the chase can go take a leap of a tall cliff. LOL.
You sound like a really strong woman. I admire how you approach TTC with such honesty and knowledge and general calmness. You are entitled to feel discouraged once in a while. Frankly, I would worry if you didn't. Especially when you are seeing other women get a @#$%ing BFP right away like it's no big deal. Honestly, my biggest fear about TTC was never actually having a baby or sharing my husband or getting fat or any of those things... it was always "what if I can't even get pregnant?".
ReplyDeleteI have no experience with the angry pills but I totally support your decision to go straight to 100mg. If 50mg didn't work before, there's no reason to believe it would work right away this time and if you're ready now, I see no reason to experiment. (but I'm also not a doctor lol)
I have a good feeling for you. You are doing everything right, it's only a matter of time and hopefully that time will be sooner rather than later!!
Great BLOG!! Thanks for sharing the information about 9 DPO . Please keep sharing informative articles with us.
ReplyDelete