Sucked In

Sucked in... -sigh-  It's everywhere.  The mothers groups are rife with TTC stuff.  "Oooops we DTD and we might get a BFP". "Can't wait to TTC" etc...  Yeah like you can accidentally DTD when you know you're fertile.  -rolls eyes-  I was also cleaning out my bookmarks and found two old FF charts which have been silently TTC. Oh man... It really is everywhere.

I am beginning to feel gripped by the crazy little monster that wants it NOW. The questions start... Will I am be able to keep my head clear enough to lose months of my life? Is my LP long enough to do this naturally? Am I going to be able to keep myself from getting disappointed? Am I going to be able to cope with the mass of impending pregnancies?

The biggest thing is whether I can shed the "fertility challenged" mindset.  Part of me is expecting to fail. I'm expecting to get to the end of November and be heading back to my OBGYN to tell him that my body still sucks.  The more logical part of me says that I don't know if there was anything wrong with me at all.  When I came off the pill I was having long cycles and 9 or 10 LPs.  It eventually got to 11 days.  When I was temping I could see that my temp would start to decay after 4 or 5 DPO rather than stay put and drop abruptly.  My 7DPO progesterone was JUST above borderline for abnormal.  I was also ovulating somewhere around CD18-20.  But technically it was all within "normal" limits.  Perhaps it wasn't ideal but we would have conceived on the 12 months anyway. I'll never know.  I pushed for a referral and ended up seeing the best dude in the world.  He did a lap, checked my tubes were clear, burned the crap out of my endo and we did three rounds of Clomid, the last of which got us our little man.  On Clomid I was ovulating CD15 or 16 and my LP was 13 days. Progesterone was also awesome at 7DPO. 

So I look at my cycles at the moment and I see my 11 day LP. I see that at least for the last one I've ovulated CD17.  I've had spotting going on for 12 days. I've had spotting on and off before AF.  I've had cramping and stabbing pains and a whole lot of everything.  I could temp for a cycle and see what happens but...I don't really want to know.  I don't want to see that things are the same as they used to be.  I don't want to destroy any hope of approaching this with a normal mindset.  Alternatively, I'm just sticking my head in the sand.

LOL I am re-reading what I've written and it seems to me that my feelings that unideal are right.  But it also seems to me that I just haven't made up my mind about how hard I want to play this ball. No rush... let's just see how this cycle plays out.