6w0d - Feeling Yucky

Fairly sure I have a sinus infection. My face hurts and I've got a lot of green snot.  Panadol has helped with the pain and I feel a little less digusting but certainly have the fuzzies today.  DS is going through some seperation anxiety thing atm and really giving us grief at nap/bed time.  Last night woke at 3am and took forever to go back down so feeling pretty tired as well.  :-/

Morning sickness is a bit weird and different this time.  I am good when I am eating.  I am ok when I'm hungry.  Every other state between is not so hot.  Mild nausea comes and goes and I have this burning in my stomach which I assume is a bit of reflux.  I've got The After Taste too but it's not as bad as it was in the past yet. 

Been having a fair bit of cramping over the last day or so.  -sigh- and I'll hold there seeing as my darling is awake. Again.

------

Ok so didn't get back to this post last night.  LOL.

Seems my body is a lot more active overnight. I wake up and there is cramping and last night I got up cause I thought I was going to vomit.  This morning I woke up and everything STUNK!  DS' formula was revolting, DH's fried eggs were horrible, I swear our house smelled like a pub??!!, nappies were horrendous.  It has eased and so has the nausea but been replaced by heart burn.  Did I mention feeling ordinary? Blergh... 

Just over a week until my first U/S.  Beginning to wonder how I am going to survive work feeling snotty and so tired.  I took my six week belly shot and I've got back fat.  BWaaaaahhhh. No gym til this stupid infection clears up.  I'd normally stubborn it out but I have this little one to think about now... 

Anyway, I'm rambling about nothing.

5w4d - Sick AGAIN

I have a runny nose. It's yucky.  Fortunately, I'm not drowning in snot but it is there and enough to remind me constantly.  So that makes all of our household sick and my third illness in two weeks. 

On the pregnancy front, the girls have been quite sore since yesterday and the morning sickness is creeping in slowly.  Symptoms just make me so happy!  LOL!  Morning sickness is the only time I'm ever really keen to feel sick as it means that all is going well.  They say that you're more likely to have a healthy pregnancy if you get morning sickness.  For me it is the next best thing to have a giant green tick on your belly to alert that everything is well.  Given the latter is impossible, I'll settle for morning sickness instead!

Nothing much further to report but finally had that feeling that things were going to be ok.  Well, at least at the first ultrasound. But that's a start.  1.5 weeks until my first appointment.  Seems like the days are just dragggging along.  This is not really helped by the fact that it is pouring with rain and I'm sick.  More reasons to stay at home rather than be out and about...  Fortunately, next week is looking pretty full  and that is when I'll need to most distraction!

5w0d - Not So Epic Boob Spike

Five weeks... This week feels like it has taken two to pass along.  This whole ovulating late and having a shorter LP means finding out so much sooner which means it takes even longer to get to the good stuff.  I was literally only 3w3d with my first positive even though technically it was four week post LMP.

Anyhow, each day that passes leaves me feeling more confident and less anxious. Symptoms were a lot less pronounced after the gastro but yesterday I started feeling some very definite mild searing pains in my boobs.  I remembered making a post about this with my first pregnancy and likened to feeling like this:

Not quite at that severity yet but definitely there and I have to say it make me feel...happy...and excited. :-)  Last time around I didn't get it until nine weeks, so much earlier this time.  That will either be because my HCG is much higher this time or because my body is in been there done that mode.

I took a bump picture this morning and I have pouch there which looks the same as what I had when I was 12 weeks last time.  I have a feeling I'm a bit bloated so will repeat it if the opportunity presents but there is some definite protrusion which is greatly exacerbated by bloating... then I look like I did at four months! LMAO! 

Made it to the gym this morning after a week of being sick.  Still not 100% but well enough to work out. Had to ditch a few exercises which weren't suitable anymore and I didn't get to work as hard as I like because my hear rate kept sky rocketing but it was a start.  Hopefully by Monday I'll be better and the heart rate will be a bit better controlled.

So, not much else to report really.  On with the waiting game and back to work tomorrow!

4w4d - Pregnancy Immunocompromise

I felt better this morning.  Psychologically.  Less stressed about the pregnancy. No need to pee on a stick or do a cervix check etc.  When I got to this point lass pregnancy the test line was darker than the control. So, I POAS out of curiosity and...

It's definitely started to get darker than the control. In another two days it should be glaring.  :-)

I've spent the day cleaning the house will DS was of at the ILs for the day.  Feeling much nicer with a clean house now. Feeling pretty tired though and unfortunately, I'm on track for a cold.  Cause you know...I have only just woken up today without a mass of diarrhoea to follow.  Last time the recurrent illnesses didn't kick in until the second trimester.  Seems I will be granted this fun earlier this time. 

It doesn't bother me too much TBH except for the fact that I'm back to work tomorrow.  Hard to treat people who most of the time aren't as sick as you are! LOL!  The bigger thing is not being able to smash it with codral and "soldier on".  I wonder just how long I'll be able to stick it out on road.  Fortunately I've got a good bank of sick leave but that won't pay the bills well.

I tried on my skinny work pants and they are tight already.  I've noticed I've got pooch.  My abs have split again quickly so I don't think I'm going to be doing bump jealousy this time around.  Last pregnancy I bloated a lot and put on a lot of weight early which more account for my busting out of skinny pants at 7 weeks and normal work pants at 12 weeks.  Guess we will see what happens!

So. Tired.

4w2d - What It Was Like Last Time

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

I WILL enjoy this pregnancy.

I booked in for my seven week scan today.  I have exactly three weeks until I can see what's going on inside and I can hassle my OB for an ultrasound ever time a freak out thereafter.

I will enjoy this pregnancy.

Pregnancy paranoia.  It's ridiculous.  I can look at Steph's blog and go "Yep! Everything is sweet there because of ten different reasons" and yet I look at myself and I worry like crazy.  Three more weeks. 

I'm feeling much better tonight.  Only had one lot of diarrhoea this morning and nothing else today and the gurgling belly things have wound down a lot. MIL kept DS with her all day and I've had an extra two opportunities to sleep and just generally rest. 

My pregnancy symptoms seem to be coming back (thank goodness).  A little bit of morning sickness sporadically. Some cramping tonight.  Boobs are just that little bit deeply tender.  Cervix is still closed and weird. No signs of spotting and my pee stick is much darker now.  (Yeah I broke the ban for my own sanity).   I am returning to the belief that it is all actually ok. 

I went back to my old blog...way back to my first posts when I found out I was pregnant.  I was so deliriously happy.  It was unreal. I wasn't quite as informative as I would have liked for the purpose of symptomatic prosperity but I got enough to know that by five days after my first positive, the cramping had eased and was only on and off and largely due to the luteal cysts I had.  Fortunately, that all adds up time wise and like last time, night time seems to be when the cramps turn up.

I got the giggles reading some of the things that I wrote: "It is early days but wow. We did it. His sperm, met my egg, it travelled down and implanted in MY UTERUS and started making HCG."  and "Even with my dodgy phone camera you can see that pink line, clear as day!  I keep looking at it and I am in awe. Those two lines came from MY pee. Unreal!!! That is just amazing and I am so excited!! "

There was a whole lot of paranoia going on in the background there. I was POAS every second day for ages.  FRER, ICs and even OPKs.  This was my collection...minus two digitals and one or two ICs.

The sad part, I still have all of them in a FR test box in my top bedside table drawer....

Gastro

Ugggghhh! Come on! Catch me a break already! Of the 120 plus hours that I've know that I've been pregnant, I've had the luxury of feeling relaxed and excited for less than 48 of them. 

Google, for the record, when you search my blog this post is all about being 4 weeks pregnant with gastro. You know, seeing you suck at providing really good answers when I've looked.  -glare-

So, we went to this BBQ yesterday. I didn't have much to eat because I hadn't brushed up on my pregnancy safe foods but I left feeling disproportionately full. As the evening wore on I felt worse and worse and by the time I got to bed I was virtually sitting upright because I felt so full and sick.  The cold shivers were passing through me and I knew it wasn't good.  Midnight after a lot of rumbling, the diarrhoea started. Not just a little squirty. My butt had transformed into a human faucet. Goodness knows how I haven't died of dehydration from the amount of plain old water that left my body.

Cap it all off DS was waking again and again and again. I wanted to help DH but I felt too sick and was afraid if I tried I'd do an adult #3 all over the place. :-(

Feeling better today and able to retain some water and dry bikkies without feeling pukey.  Of course though, I am freaking out.  As my gastro symptoms were taking off I noticed my boobs were getting less and less sore. My cramping stopped and the morning sick kind of feel was replaced by plain old sick.  Today I've been squeezing my poor boobs like stress balls and they are still barely sore.  I've had a bit of burning and what not on the side I think I implanted on but now not convinced it just isn't my bowel practicing waterworks.  Not much in the way of morning sickness and also afraid the tympanic temp I took this morning wasn't high enough.  The only thing keeping me going is that my OB reckons gastro is going around and it rarely affects pregnancy.  That and my cervix has the distinct, high, swollen feeling that has only ever happened in pregnancy.

I've been banned from POAS or temping and so much tempted to break the ban...

What I'm scared about it that I had some swiss cheese off a platter on Thursday afternoon.  I didn't touch the cold meats but noone I've spoken to had the cheese. Noone else is sick with anything I've eaten from that point forward. But noone else I've spken to had the cheese either. What if it's listeria or salmonella??? 

I remember last time there were days when I'd wake up feeling normal.  I'd give it 24 hours and things were fine again but the timing with this bug/whatever it is has me a little bit stressed. 

I really despite the first few weeks.  It's all about symptom and toilet paper watch.  At least after my first ultrasound I can go in as many times as I darn well want to because the baby will be big enough to be seen.  I suspect this is going to be a long three weeks....

So...what's doing with the rest of you?

4 Weeks 0 Days

We're ok.  It's been a really rough few days.  I forgot just how much pregnancy hormones mess with my ability to think logically and rationally and how much I stress. I have been all over the shop but the result is good.  At 11DPO I had bloods drawn and my HCG came back at 22.  There was concern because of the lighter pee tests (which actually weren't and the one in the PM was definitely dark) and the fact the number was so low.  I was also comparing to DS who I had a HCG of 30...forgetting that was 12DPO.  Anyway, 48 hours later and still experiencing pregnancy symptoms and pretty sure the tests were getting darker (even though not super dark), my OB agreed to do bloods again.  In pretty much exactly 48 hours my HCG more than QUADRUPLED!  90mIU/ml!  Considering DS went to 72mIU/ml, I was beyond stoked.  That jump is HUGE! 

This pregnancy is different to that of DS. I have a lot more symptoms and already have morning sickness.  I'm surprised at just how much my body remembers. Linea nigra is already starting to darken. Pubic symphasis has been painful pretty much since ovulation and getting worse. My abs have started to split again. My guts are shifting around already because when I get gas I get popped in the bladder like I'm having baby kicks again. 

I am having some difficulty relaxing and seem to be gripped by this fair of m/c.  I think it has mostly been because of what's occurred this week but also because my two closest buds from TTC DS went through it.  One of my girls has had two m/cs and the other had one because her retard IVF doctor told her it was ok to discontinue progesterone prior to the 12 weeks mark.  I'm constantly on symptom monitoring.  My current beef is the fact that my boobs are less sore tonight. The are always more sore at night. But not tonight.  Doesn't matter that I'm still cramping and stretching and getting morning sickness. The fact that my boobs aren't as sore worries me.  And why?  Because my tummy has been off today like I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me and of course I'm worried like somehow there has been some instantaneous infection etc. etc. etc.  It's painful being inside my own head.  This is going to be long first trimester if I keep up like this. 

Enough of that anyway. Today by my ovulation date, I'm 4 weeks and 0 days. By that date FF says I'm due 23rd February. Whether I get to that date or not is questionable. I was induced with DS due to obstetric cholestasis and there is a 75% chance that it will return.  Hopefully, if it does, it won't happen until the end like last time...

What else?  Not much. Cervix was very posterior tonight which I am hoping is a good thing. It's been quite high up for the last few days and I've been getting little bits of EWCM mixed in with the creamy stuff. That was another clue I had the couple days before testing.  10DPO I woke up after that dip and "knew" and sure enough temp was up. My chart has NEVER gone back up on 10DPO. Never.  Tested negative on FMU (not surprising) but still knew because when I put my HR monitor on to go to the gym I was running about 10bpm higher than normal.  :-)

Totally rambling.  Will shut up now. Should go get some sleep now that I don't feel like I've consumed a football!

11DPO - Possible M/C

Just a quick one to say that I need to hibernate for a while.  POAS this morning and it took a looong time to come positive and looked lighter but definitely wasn't any darker than yesterday. I had this happen last time too so tried not to worry. Did my first lot of bloods and bHCG came back 22 which is low. This time last pregnancy it was 30.  OB said to wait a few days and POAS again and if still positive we would do more bloods.  :-(  I feel absolutely gutted and want to curl into a ball and die.  Seems even when my body gets it right it can't actually get it right. I'd rather have just moved on to Clomid than get a positive and go through this.  FML and body.

10DPO - Uh..Positive?

Can't write much now...hopefully get on tomorrow while DS is having his nap... Hopefully, this will be darker tomorrow..

9 DPO - The Problem With Emotional Investment

...is the fallout when things don't work.  Despite my previous rage session, I still was holding on to some hope. Rage subsided and disappeared. Temps were reasonable and a little different to previous. I had a few different symptoms to normal too.  I thought maybe?  I should have remembered that my body does like to change my presentation from cycle to cycle.  What I did remember was that all too familiar night time dizzy feeling which was classic at the end of a natural cycle before.  That was what I had last night.  I tossed and turned all night long. I barely slept and despite that my temp was still starting the drop off this morning. I knew it would last night. I just knew. I am always right about these feelings. 

I felt really miserable this morning.  I felt angry at my body. I felt that familiar confusion about how we can do the same thing as everyone else and still somehow not end up pregnant.  I forced myself to go to the gym. I forced myself not to stop and go home several times.  I cam home feeling vaguely better.  I made the decision to leave my DIG (Due In Group) on FB. I felt liberated...for a while. 

I've been internally moping all day.  I know I need to pick myself up and get ready to start my angry pills in another two or three days. But part of me is all like "I don't want to do this anymore. I HATE TTC. I HATE feeling like this. I DON'T WANT to have to go through the stupid timing sex thing AGAIN".  I know I'll get over it and by the time I'm fertile again I'll be all optimistic but right now I'm taking the moment to feel what I feel.

I made the executive decision to go straight for 100mg Clomid.  I know that is naughty.  But DH will be on holidays, regardless of how early I ovulate.  It will make the sex thing easier and more relaxed. I don't want to waste that opportunity on 50mg which made no difference to my cycle last time.  I really, really, don't want to be doing this any longer than I have to.  Thrill of the chase can go take a leap of a tall cliff. LOL.

 

7DPO - PMT Rage

So, the PMT has started already and worse than it has ever been. :-(  Was left over cranky after a discussion with DH last night but then I came home and I could see he was is in a funny mood which resparked my cranky.  It was bothering me that he hadn't changed DS' nappy when I got home from PT. Of course then DS did a big runny poo and it exploded out, into his PJs and through to his sleeping bag (not really a big, same thing though with legs).  That was it. I was gone. Rage. DH was in the shower while I changed DS and in the meantime I am "the zone" furiously wiping poo off DS and concocting threats to never let him mind DS when I'm at work because he's irresponsible blah blah blah. Then the mothers group got cancelled which further irritated things.  (Long story and a boring one for you folks).  It took me quite a while to calm down but at one point I was literally shaking because I felt so intensely angry.

This is the kind of level I've gotten to on Clomid.  I normally get cranky pre-AF but not to the point of feeling like a six year old. LOL.  I feel better now but worry about the next few days if that's the trend...

Had the first hints of that distinct heaviness of an impending AF.  Get the feeling this will be a short LP but I suppose the shorter it is, the quicker we can move on with Clomid. I'm really not feeling terribly keen to go through this too many more times.  :-o

Houston, we have a problem...

Ok, hands up if you can see what the problem is with this:

Anybody? Anybody at all?

I took my temp twice...cause I didn't believe it the first time.  True enough. 36.80 at 4DPO.  It has gone down even further!?  My charts have always been reasonably predictable.  There is a big sink, a rise, a pre-o dip, an o-spike, a further rise..or two, a corpus luteum dip, a rise, a few days of generalised dodgy static followed by a decent back to cover and AF. Today was the day after the corpus luteum dip which is supposed to be a rise. Hello?  Get with the program body!

I've never had two falls this early and never flirting THIS close to coverline.  I'm beginning to wonder if I tried to ovulate and failed. It kind of reminds me of this chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/2cc50f This chick has PCOS. I could tell you great stories about her but in the interest of not straying too far from topic, we will just say that she doesn't ovulate and will basically do her darndest to force FF into saying she has even though she clearly has not i.e. no thermal shift....EVER...  She's currently got FF set to OPK/Monitor Detect so that it only pays attention to the positive OPK rather than the fact that her temps pretty well are still all the same.

Anyway, as you can see, she's got a postive OPK followed by a temp spike which tumbled back down hill and returned to baseline.  Body went, I can do it! I can do it!  Yeah! So close now!.....Nope. Too hard.  Abort! Abort!

So...that's a bit like what mine is looking at right now.  It must have realised I had far too much delusional positivity yesterday. ;-)  Of course, I am also trying to make a diagnosis using a retrospective tool here.  I really should follow my own advice. lol.  Guess we will see what tomorrow brings.

3DPO - A Case of The Delusional Fuzzies

I'm in that post-ovulation delusional phase. It happens every cycle.  I ovulate and suddenly I'm all like sunshine and lollypops because I totally CAN get pregnant like this cycle right!?  ZOMG!!1!1!!  This lasts for a couple days before the seeds of doubt creep in... Then at about 7DPO I wake up and I feel it.  I just know. I'm totally not pregnant.  This is followed by the next four days of watching my temps like a hawk hoping that they will miraculously change direction and shoot back up, categorically proving that I am indeed pregnant and my natural instinct was wrong!!!  Even when the spotting starts I cling to the hope that just maybe its implantation and again, the next day it will all be gone and my temp will be back...you know...like those charts you see on FF.  I don't think those charts are real.  That doesn't happen to real people.  LOL.

Anyway, so we are phase one and I'm telling myself that this is the cycle and we are so going to be pregnant.  I'm talking to an egg that may or may not actually even be fertilised and I'm telling it go implant itself nicely.  Clomid?  Yeah who needs that!?  I go and admire my chart...and...I'm not quite feeling the love?  Last cycle I was all stoked because my temps went way up high blah blah.  I remember writing in my delusion phase that I was sure the cycle was going to be so much more healthy.  This cycle my temps have been weird. Abnormally high at ovulation but then not really taking off afterwards.  Admittedly, it is a little early to tell and this morning's corpus luteum dip doesn't help to paint pretty pictures. 

I was going to stop temping after today.  I was going to do that the last two cycle too.  I'm kinda suckered in though... I want to see what happens. Because, as you know already, this is the cycle that I'm pregnant and that being the case I want to see if I get a cool implantation dip or a triphasic chart and be able to record a positive test and turn the little line green.  Then I'll submit it to the gallery so other people can fawn over it and wish it was theirs and somehow contribute to some random statistic that FF will generate about how to conceive. -sigh-

Does anyone else troll the gallery?  I do.  I look at how old the person is and whether they have medical problems and then how long it took them and then when they had sex.  One page of the gallery and I can swing from "That person is 37 and overweight and had sex two days before ovulation and conceived on their second month. Now why can't I just do that?" and then go to "Oh they are 25 and bonked everyday and they only just conceived after their fifth month...maybe I am just being impatient?".  That and the aforementioned impossible charts where you'd swear AF was going to make a show and then out of nowhere the green lines powers up with its little green BFP cross and you see that temp dip was actually an implantation dip at like 12DPO. You know, something that is impossible for me to achieve with an 11 day LP...

Anyway, I think my temps are askew as my hormones have change a bit.  Last night I discovered that my milk has pretty well (finally) dried up.  That and I've been having that weird ligament pubic symphasis type pain I had through through the second half of pregnancy, over the last few days. Not that I'm really expecting it to make a huge difference to the outcome but I guess interesting to note the shift. Hang on. Far too logical.  What I meant was that this has all happened because I'm pregnant and just super sensitive to the miniscule progestrone secretions of an unimplanted cluster of cells.

I could do this all day.  I'll stop now. :-P

Nine or ten days till to the truth is revealed and I get some Clomid loving. :-)

?1DPO

Goodness, I had better be!  I'm not going to ask poor DH again! LMAO!  He's been really awesome and I know he actually really wants this.  We did a little less dancing and more fist pumping to a quick finish IYKIM. Got the job done and then I spent a few more hours staring at the ceiling or sleeping while the goods made their way to the target. 

Temp spiked quite a lot this morning. I did have a disrupted sleep but I didn't have any extra layers on so it should be pretty accurate.  Still getting a little EWCM and cervix still fertile but looking back on charts gone by, it isn't the first time I've had carry on fertile signs.  Should be gone by tomorrow though and hopefully it means that any hang arounders have had every opportunity to get to the egg.

I can't help but have hope.  I'm a sucker that way.  Knowing that I am starting the Clomid soon has put me in a bit of a different head space in that I feel pretty confident it will happen soon. I am allowing myself to become more invested in what is happening and I think about what is ahead with pregnancy.  Pregnancy with DS was really easy and I coped well barring the recurrent cold/flu things.  In a sense I'm excited and looking forward to it but at the same time if it happens too soon then it will be the last and I can't get that back.

I'm a bit of a hypocrit almost because I really don't enjoy the TTC process that much but at the same time there is something about the thrill of the chase! LOL!

I had a moment last night when putting DS to bed... Hard to describe but basically that feeling like there should have been at least one more little body in the house to make completion. There was almost that vision of tackling more than one to the bedroom to get ready for sleepy time.  :-) 

Yeah... I won't lie. I'm now excited about doing this. Ready!

So, I guess we wait and see.  If I ovulated yesterday then AF should be due around 13/14th June.  It would just be so sweet to conceive unassisted... 

CD18 - Ovulating At Last

The frustrating thing about temping is that it really is a retrospective tool.  I really do wish I had a predictable cycle. It would make the whole bedroom timing thing so much easier.  Temp ducked back down this morning but OPK is very negative today with my body doing the full on fertility thing.  Today is the day and I'm kind of over it. LOL.  I've told DH that we need to BD today and that I am absolutely 100% sure I'm ovulating.  I'd like to get the timing perfect seeing I know for sure but we will see how it plays out.  I'm sore and tired from my PT session this morning and DH has a sore back.  I think the enthusiasm factor is a little lacking today...  I think I'm also a bit emotionally worn out.  I've been "fertile" for practically a full week now. Sometimes watching myself ovulate is like being on the brink of orgasm but struggling to get over the line.  I'm sure left unattended it would eventually get to a cycle where it just goes "Bugger it. I give up". 

So...here's to last ditch hope for a natural cycle. :-)