Sucked In

Sucked in... -sigh-  It's everywhere.  The mothers groups are rife with TTC stuff.  "Oooops we DTD and we might get a BFP". "Can't wait to TTC" etc...  Yeah like you can accidentally DTD when you know you're fertile.  -rolls eyes-  I was also cleaning out my bookmarks and found two old FF charts which have been silently TTC. Oh man... It really is everywhere.

I am beginning to feel gripped by the crazy little monster that wants it NOW. The questions start... Will I am be able to keep my head clear enough to lose months of my life? Is my LP long enough to do this naturally? Am I going to be able to keep myself from getting disappointed? Am I going to be able to cope with the mass of impending pregnancies?

The biggest thing is whether I can shed the "fertility challenged" mindset.  Part of me is expecting to fail. I'm expecting to get to the end of November and be heading back to my OBGYN to tell him that my body still sucks.  The more logical part of me says that I don't know if there was anything wrong with me at all.  When I came off the pill I was having long cycles and 9 or 10 LPs.  It eventually got to 11 days.  When I was temping I could see that my temp would start to decay after 4 or 5 DPO rather than stay put and drop abruptly.  My 7DPO progesterone was JUST above borderline for abnormal.  I was also ovulating somewhere around CD18-20.  But technically it was all within "normal" limits.  Perhaps it wasn't ideal but we would have conceived on the 12 months anyway. I'll never know.  I pushed for a referral and ended up seeing the best dude in the world.  He did a lap, checked my tubes were clear, burned the crap out of my endo and we did three rounds of Clomid, the last of which got us our little man.  On Clomid I was ovulating CD15 or 16 and my LP was 13 days. Progesterone was also awesome at 7DPO. 

So I look at my cycles at the moment and I see my 11 day LP. I see that at least for the last one I've ovulated CD17.  I've had spotting going on for 12 days. I've had spotting on and off before AF.  I've had cramping and stabbing pains and a whole lot of everything.  I could temp for a cycle and see what happens but...I don't really want to know.  I don't want to see that things are the same as they used to be.  I don't want to destroy any hope of approaching this with a normal mindset.  Alternatively, I'm just sticking my head in the sand.

LOL I am re-reading what I've written and it seems to me that my feelings that unideal are right.  But it also seems to me that I just haven't made up my mind about how hard I want to play this ball. No rush... let's just see how this cycle plays out.

Of Course...

I didn't expect to answer my own question so soon.  I logged onto FB last night and hit one of my mothers group pages, only to be greeted by a surprise BFP announcement.  Cue that feeling like you've just had a 10m vertical drop...followed by an intense desire to make sure DH would know EXACTLY what days were are going to be DTD.  Hummmm. I recognise this.  This is not a fertility related thing so much as a competitive thing.  Someone else has something I want and have beaten me to it. LMAO!  That's ok.  I can deal with that.  There are another two who are trying. One who I am sure won't have to "try" and the other is questionable.  Then in the other group there are three or four who are jumping on the TTC train within the next few months.  It is going to get very hot in here soon.

On further contemplation of my current situation I have changed my mind about one thing.  If we hit six unsuccessful cycles before November, I'm going to wait until after November to go back to my OBGYN.  November I have an annual fitness competition.  The last two years I've been written off being preggo or post baby.  This year, if the opportunity does present, I want to be competitive.  I don't want to be getting into fertility treatments that screw with my mindset when competing.  I don't want put in eight months of hard work to then miss out by a month and be stuck on a heart rate limit etc.  Selfish?  Yeah maybe.  But I am done with putting my life on hold for TTC.  I feel like I've lost a big chunk of my life to that in the past and I'm not doing that again.  I realise that I am working in two direction at the same time but we managed it last time when I was smashing pre-workout supplements and flogging my body physically so we can do it again.  My sub-fertility woes are not a product of my physical exertion.

Let The Games Begin

I pulled an 11 day LP.  I am not entirely sure what to feel about it.  It wasn't previously good enough but then again, previously I wasn't getting copious amounts of EWCM and my cervix never seemed to sit in a good position for sperm catching.  I guess what I feel is neutral. Not entirely pessimistic but not exactly optimistic either.  I'm prepared for nothing. LOL!

DH will be on holidays for the baby making time which will be good.  I'm feeling somewhat nervous about getting the timing right.  This last cycle was the first since weaning entirely.  Things could change.  I may ovulate earlier. Or later.  I am really not used to not knowing what direction my body will head. 

I opted to get pre-preg bloods done just to make sure everything does look good from the outside.  I'll probably get that sorted next week when I've got some me time.

I'm still all over the shop when it comes to doing this.  One day I am in to it and feeling somewhat enthusiastic, thinking it will be a good idea.  The next I am feeling guilty and that I'll be depriving DS of our total attention and resources.  With that I swing between my typically impatient state of mind to one of procrastination. 

I've been hibernating from the pregnant world.  If I don't see it then I am not aware that it is something that we are trying to do and if it isn't working then I won't hurt from it. I worry a bit about how I am going to go as my various mothers groups start to fall pregnant again. I am already setting myself up for the long haul before we have really even begun.

Anyhow, watch and wait from here. AF has been more clear fluid than blood - not sure what to make of that.  Last cycle I spotted up to CD12. My body is clunky. Ironic that I'm running less well now that I'm not BFing!

Second Thoughts

I have second thoughts a lot.  Today has been no different.  But I wonder if it is like the financial thing. People always told me that we should not wait to get on top of the mortgage cause it won't happen in a reasonable timeframe so it is better just to do it and we will cope.  This has been true.  Not well enough for me to be a SAHM but well enough that I only have to do a little supplemental work to keep our bank accounts chugging along.  We've coped just fine despite many anxieties I had when pregnant. Perhaps this is the same...that if I forever wait for when I think the little man will be more ideal, it just will never happen.  Would that be a bad thing?  Not entirely.  Would I regret it?  Yeah, I suspect so.

I have to admit that I've been rubbish with remembering to take my elevit.  My head is clearly not in the headspace.  What is the head space though?  Is it that obsessed blinkered state of existence?  No. Surely not?  Surely there is something in between?  Committed but relaxed?  Do I know how to do that? *shrug*  Perhaps this is the best way to be?

Currently sitting on what I believe is 8DPO. Got a little concerned a few days ago as I had a distinctive AF type feeling.  Wondering if that will translate to a short LP. Guess I'll find out soon enough.

Feeling really lacklustre.  Enjoying my physical persuits at the moment and feel like doing this is a form of self-sabotage.  Seriously considering putting off for another month... or maybe more. 

The First Post

So, this is my hidden blog.  Next month we start TTC #2 but I'm not telling anybody...not even my bloggy buds.  I'm not even sure I will keep this updated but I do need a space where I can deblag my head from time to time.

TTC #2 comes with mixed emotions.  I'm a little bit afraid of going through that whole process again. I'm not fully sure I am ready to be entering the realms of a second baby but I guess I realise that by the time that I am, I'll have wished I started trying sooner.

I am not telling anyone because I don't want the pressure.  I don't want to be all about TTC.  I don't want to be tracked or avoided.  I don't want sympathy and condolences. I don't want any expectations. I don't want any judgements.  I just want to get on with things. If anyone should find this, then so be it. But I am not making an announcement of it.

My planned approached has changed a few times and I think I've hit a point where I am comfortable and I believe I can get the job done with minimal fuss.

I'm still ovulating late.  This last cycle was CD17 but I had a fantastic lot of good quality EWCM.  My cervix is much higher, softer and favourably position after having Sprout #1. What I need to see if how my LP goes.  I don't want it to go any shorter than 12 days.  If we can get 12 days then I am pretty confident that we can get pregnant on our own within six cycles.

Six cycles is what I'll give it before I head back to the OBGYN.  A cycle doesn't count if we don't manage to have sex at a good time.  If I do have a 12 day LP and we hit six cycles I may give it longer as I can't see any reason why it shouldn't happen.  If it is less than that, I'll go see him.  I've also decided that if my LP should go shorter than 10 days at any point, I will go immediately.  There is no point trying if there is no chance.

Based on an ovulation day of CD17, I'll aim to get us in to bed on CD15 and CD17.  That way if things don't pan out on CD15, we will have had sex either CD16 or 17 and maybe again on CD18 which should still put us in striking range.

I'll be using OPKs to identify my LH surge and I'll temp from CD13 or 14 until I've confirmed ovulation.  I won't be recording symptoms. I won't be charting my temps.  I know my OBGYN knows that I know my body and will take whatever I say as it is so there is no need make this a recorded obsessive thing.

I'm trying to remember to take Elevit everyday.  I did sporadically through January and February.  I won't be adding anything else.

I also won't be changing my eating, sleeping or exercising habits.  When we do fall pregnant I will stop taking my pre-workout supplements.  Until that point, nothing changes unless I am advised to do so by my OBGYN.  It didn't make a difference last time so no point in putting life on hold again this time around.

I am considering getting bloods done when I take Sprout #1 in to the doctor next week. Just to make sure my ducks are lined up.  I'll make that call closer to the time.

So, gotta wrap it up here. Sprout #1 has just woken up!